Welcome t' th' Wild West
by GlitterTrails
Summary: After freeing Tino from demon possession, Sheriff Oxenstierna is determined to help the professional sniper get the bounty off his head. Join them as they win battles against dangerous outlaws and demon spirits, and lose the battle against helpless romantic attraction.
1. Mercy

_Are those…black angel wings?_

"Tino Väinämöinen, the legendary marksman whose keen eyes put all birds of prey to shame…"

_Is this…the devil?_

"They say you once sat at the top of the tallest of the Rocky Mountains and killed a man in the valley below with a single shot. They say there's no place an enemy of the people can hide from you, that you will find them, wherever they are, and destroy them."

_Is this another attempt by some criminal organization to recruit me into working for them? That's the third time this week! Geez, what makes them think I would do something like that?_

"Well, Mr. Väinämöinen, I think there is a place where a criminal could hide from you."

"Ya do?" Tino replied, too dehydrated to think through what exactly he was saying.

"Yes," a claw-like finger poked Tino in the chest "I think it can hide from you right_ here_."

"In my shirt pocket?" Tino asked absently while the night sky started to come ablaze with a lime green glow "Oh shoot! Ya meant my own heart didn't ya? Wait! No, I don't want to be possessed by an evil spirit. No please, no-NO!"

The coyotes howled and the moon dimmed in a show of empathy for the screaming man's pain. But beyond mourning alongside Tino, there was nothing they could do. There were no good spirits or powers of nature that would be able to aid him.

…But there was one human being who could.

…

Like red flowers throwing open their petals, fountains of blood and brain matter blossomed across the dry, dusty road as the sniper on the town bank's roof picked off the townsfolk one by one with a shot to the head.

_Now __that's__ talent, _Head Deputy Berwald Oxenstierna noted as he climbed up a ladder in the back of the building. _Too bad it's being used for th' wrong purpose._

"Holy Mercy! That crazy nut just killed Sheriff Kohler!" someone shouted from down below.

_'lright, I can understand wanting t' do __that_, Berwald empathized as he pulled himself up onto the roof _But th' twenty or so townsfolk? Sorry Partner, yer going t' be takin' a trip t' th' gallows soon._

Head Deputy Oxenstierna pulled his volcanic from his holster and shot the Winchester right out of the shooter's grasp. The shooter squeaked and by the time he turned around to gawk at Berwald with a face of awe and horror, the deputy was standing over him with a gun aimed at the man's head.

"Raise yer hands t' the sky," Deputy Oxenstierna grunted as he stared down at the shooter with a merciless scowl.

Then, Berwald noticed something mighty strange. The shooter's eyes were glowing bright neon green.

_Ya got th' devil in ya or somethin' Son?_ Berwald wondered as the shooter sat there, kind of twitching and shaking his head every now and then.

Then the green glow flickered out of the shooter's eyes, revealing brown irises with a doe-like innocent shine to them. Berwald noticed that, beneath the patchy peach fuzz on his chin, the shooter had a soft-edged, sweet round face.

_Nh, kinda a cute little feller_. Berwald's finger eased off the Volcanic's trigger just a smidgen. _Just give him a shave 'nd a bath 'nd ya would nearly be convinced that he's a wide-eyed little angel._

"AIHH!" the shooter shrieked suddenly before latching onto the deputy's leg. "Please! Help me! I'll do whatever ya want, just help me please! Help me escape from it, it's just the worst. It's so mean and cruel and stupid..."

The blood spilled on the dusty ground below was starting to turn sticky and dry as the cries of more frightened women and children filled the parching desert air. Head Deputy Oxenstierna was known by all to be an ice-cold administer of justice. He was never unfair or cruel, but he had no pity (or any emotion, from what they could tell). He never hesitated to bring the full force of the law down on anyone who made victims out of innocent, honest folk. It'd been rumored that Berwald had scowled so fiercely at a criminal who had just run past the line of the lawman's jurisdiction that the scoundrel had burst into flames. The townspeople feared the head deputy more than they feared most violent criminals.

So nobody, not even Berwald himself, knew exactly what was going through the head deputy's mind as he knelt down beside the scared shooter and tenderly patted him on the head.

" 'lright, 'll do m' best," was the head deputy's reply to the man's frantic plea. For the briefest of minutes some stray strand of cloud covered up the scorching desert sun, shielding the pair of them from the near-blinding light while it passed through the sky.


	2. Unwanted Promotions

_Tino..._

_No, please..._

_TINO..._

_Ah! I don't want to listen to ya!_

_**TINO!**_

"Wah! Can't ya just let me be? I'm so fragile and this is just making me all sick and anxious inside!"

Junior Deputy Emil did not know exactly who the prisoner was talking to, but whoever this invisible person was, they didn't seem terribly nice.

"No! No I won't kill that deputy over there and then use his intestines to strangle his brother! That is super gross! Why would ya say something like that?"

Emil was mighty glad that there were some sturdy bars between him and the prisoner right then. He sure hoped the sheriff would be back soon with the town's two preachers. Praying seemed like it was the only thing that could be done for the crazy little feller locked in the jail cell.

Emil's older brother Lukas (also a junior deputy) came in through the door carrying a freshly cooked sponge cake. He was frowning slightly as he walked over to the iron bars that separated the shooter from himself and Emil.

"One of the men you killed today, Sheriff Mathias Kohler...used to be a lover of mine..." he mumbled in a flat, cheerless voice.

The prisoner stopped debating with an imaginary conversation partner about the ethics of beating a horse to death with its dead rider's arm and got very quiet and somber.

"I...I can't, I'm sor-"

"Sadly I have no money to reward you with," Lukas continued "So I made you this sponge cake to show my gratitude. Thank you for your service to humanity." He set the cake down on the cell floor and closed the bars again, nodding at Tino before turning to converse with his brother.

"Did you see Mr. Puffin while you were out?"

"No, why would I have? He's been gone for months, younger brother. Your head-puffin isn't coming back. You're just going to have to accept this."

"He will come back! Mr. Puffin wouldn't leave me forever. He's not that kind of bird!"

"He's an arctic bird, Emil, he wasn't built for the desert climate. Just be glad he stayed for as long as he did."

While the two brothers debated on just how gone Mr. Puffin was, Tino stared open-mouthed at the cake on the floor.

_I-I don't really know how I should be feeling about myself right now!_

_Like a public hero. Now go do another act of public service by taking this sponge cake and using it to smother those two junior deputies so that you can harvest more souls for my underworld domain._

"No!" Tino screamed "I won't listen! I will eat this delicious sponge cake before ya can force me to use it for nefarious purposes!"

The brothers gave Tino another odd look as he seized the sponge cake and tore off a huge bite of it.

"Hmmgh!" Tino coughed before swallowing "Ya won't win this time evil voice! I will eat the instrument of destruction before ya can use it to harm others. Too bad I couldn't use that strategy on my Winchester."

"If he's faking it," Emil noted as they watched the prisoner finish his sponge cake "Then he is a talented actor and Madam Francisa should hire him to perform on the saloon stage in the evenings."

Lukas frowned even more than usual. "That's not exactly the kind of "entertainment" they put on there, younger brother."

"Hm?" Emil looked up quizzically at him "What do you mean-?"

Head Deputy Oxenstierna and the town's two priests entered the room and coincidentally spared Lukas from having to explain things to Emil.

"Hopefully we've brought enough cats to subdue him..." Brother Hercules sighed as he hauled eight or so kittens into the room. Brother Kiku followed in behind him, wearing a priest's robe and carrying a nusa.

"Let m' know what ya find," Berwald tipped his hat to the two holy men before stepping back outside to speak to the mayor.

"Dude! You totally did the town proud man! Way to go!" Mayor Jones shook his hand and clapped him on the back. "We would've all been way dead if you hadn't taken that crazy guy into custody."

"I see..." the Head Deputy replied as he observed the growing crowd of people gathering around the town jail and chanting "Hang him! Hang him! Hang him!" with ferocious rage.

"Because of your dedication to the town's safety and the totally unfortunate death of Sheriff Mathias Kohler, I'm promoting you to Sheriff. Let's hear it for Sheriff Oxenstierna!"

Berwald sighed internally as Mayor Jones pinned the badge on his vest and the crowd continued to insist that the shooter be sent to the gallows.

_Nh, now 'll never have enough time t' find a wife... _he silently lamented as he removed his head deputy badge and stared vacantly into the sky. What he'd wanted was to train one of the junior deputies to take his place so that he could move somewhere more peaceful-like, get married, grow a farm, have a family...that kind of a thing.

_Then Sonny McHappyGunny had t' ruin it all by havin' a shooting party on top of th' town bank's roof._ Sheriff Oxenstierna shook his head. Oh well. Somehow he couldn't find it in his heart to be angry at the serial shooter. Heaven knew why that was, but Berwald sure didn't.

" 'll do my best," Berwald answered the Mayor. The safety of the town took precedence over Sheriff Oxenstierna's own life plans. Accepting the promotion was the only responsible choice he could make.

The protesting crowd fell silent as Brother Kiku emerged from the town jail. Kiku cleared his throat before addressing them.

"We have found that the prisoner has been possessed by an evil spirit so powerful that not even Brother Hercules and I can remove it."

This did have an effect on the crowd, but not the one Berwald would've hoped for. Instead of chanting "Hang him!" the crowd's impassioned cry was now "Burn him at the stake! Burn him at the stake!".

_Promised that man 'd do m' best t' help him_...

"Burn him at the stake!"

_It's not really fair t' give a violent death t' th' prisoner of an evil spirit._

"Burn him at the stake!"

_Suppose th' townfolk haven't come around t' having that sort of progressive viewpoint about criminal justice._

"Burn him at the-"

"Ya can't," Berwald said suddenly, causing the crowd to fall silent once again. Sheriff Oxenstierna was a man of few words, sparing his speech for important matters only. So when he did say something, people usually stopped and listened.

"Uh..." Mayor Jones looked around uneasily "Why not dude? He's totally a proven danger to the people!"

"Because…" Sheriff Oxenstierna paused and looked down at the star-shaped badge in his hand "Because he's m' new head deputy."


	3. A Partnership Begins

"…m' new head deputy."

There was a unified gasp from the crowd of gathered townsfolk, followed by a long moment of shocked silence. The moment ended when one of the crowd started up a new, different chant.

"Hang them both! Hang them both!"

_Hm. Probably shoulda thought that through a bit better._

"Whoa hey dudes!" Mayor Jones shouted over the crowd as they started to advance towards the jailhouse. "Why don't ya'll head back to Francisa's Saloon and have a shot or two? Tell her the drinks are on me!"

There were was only one thing the townsfolk loved more than a good hanging: free booze. As the soon-to-be-drunken mob started to stampede towards Francisa's Saloon, Mayor Jones took the sheriff by the sleeve and pulled him back into the jailhouse.

Once inside, Mayor Jones excused the two holy men and junior deputies before turning to Sheriff Oxenstierna with a very concerned look on his face.

"Dude, you know I respect you as a lawman and everything…but a serial murderer as a deputy? People aren't going to take kindly to that dude."

"Why not?"

"Why not?! Because lawmen are supposed to be defenders of the people dude. This shooter dude is like an anti-defender of the people, he's a huge threat!"

Berwald shook his head "Th' evil spirit inside of him is a threat. He-" the sheriff pointed to the man behind the iron bars "Is a talented marksman. Just because a handgun was used t' kill an innocent doesn't mean it's not a useful weapon for killin' criminals."

"Are you trying to tell me this dude is a secret weapon or something?"

"Yah. Haven't ya been wanting t' take out Ivan th' Oppressive?"

Mayor Jones paused for a moment. There were only two things the mayor enjoyed more than overusing the death penalty. The first was eating junk food.

The second was striking a blow against his arch nemesis Ivan.

"I mean…" Mayor Jones sighed "In theory it sounds good. But what if he kills more innocent dudes?"

"Won't let him. 'll take responsibility for this man's actions from now on."

"Dude! You're like the only guy around these parts qualified to be sheriff. You can't just throw it all away for-"

Tino watched as the two men continued talking. The evil voice was less loud in Berwald's presence, but it was still there.

_You heard that Tino. He just compared you to a handgun, a weapon, a mere t__**hing**__. He doesn't really care about you. The sheriff just wants to utilize your shooting skills._

_Yah? Well that's the same thing ya want to do, you crazy voice guy!_

_Yes, but if you let me use you it will lead you to power beyond imagination._

_Ya want to use my skills to __destroy__ lives; he wants to use my skills to __save__ them._

_That's not why you followed him Tino. You didn't let the sheriff take you captive because you wanted to save lives. You followed him because you wanted him to save __**you.**__ Turns out he's not interested in you beyond your usefulness in a combat setting._

Tears started to form in Tino's eyes. _It doesn't matter. The point is if he's there watching me I'm not going to hurt an innocent ever again._

He was surprised to find that the voice was not responding. Tino was even more surprised when he looked up and saw that the mayor was gone and the sheriff was now inside the cell with him and pinning something to his shirt.

"There ya go, Deputy," the sheriff finished pinning the badge on and reached back in the belt for his handcuffs. "Never did catch yer name."

Tino stared at him for a few long seconds before realizing he was being indirectly asked a question.

"M-my name is Tino, Tino-…" he paused. _What is my last name? Holy Martin Luther! That crazy demon thing made me forget my own last name! I better start making a special effort to keep a hold of what little I still remember about myself!_

"-and my favorite holiday is Christmas!" he blurted out as the sheriff finished cuffing their wrists together.

"I see…" the sheriff replied as he took hold of Tino's hand and pulled the both of them to their feet. "Sorry 'bout th' cuffs. 'll take them off when we get home. Mayor made m' promise t' keep ya chained t' m' whenever I take ya outside."

_I owe the sheriff a thank-you card._ Tino frowned. _Why did I just think that?_

**; )**

"Here," Berwald gently pulled Tino forward "We best be goin' before th' mob sobers up enough t' chase after us."

"I was raised to be a Lutheran," Tino reminded himself as he followed the sheriff out of the building.

"That so?" the sheriff locked the door behind them. "Hm. Was raised Lutheran m'self."

"Really?" Tino stared over at the sheriff as they started walking down the dusty road. "That's kind of neat. What is your name again? I know you're a sheriff…"

" 'm Berwald," the man replied, still staring straight ahead.

"Berwald…" Tino repeated as he turned to watch the orange sun fizzle out of the desert sky.

_Berwald…_

…

_That evil voice doesn't talk to me when Berwald is nearby._

Tino held on to the sheriff's hand tighter and walked a smidgen closer to him. "I think I like ya Berwald…also, I enjoy saunas and ice swimming."


	4. Love Never Dies

As odd as it sounded, Lukas was rather relieved about the sheriff's choice for his head deputy. Lukas had been worried that he himself would've been chosen to fill the position, and that would leave him less time to spend with Emil.

But even that would be better than Emil being chosen as head deputy. Lukas shuddered at the thought. That would've made it extremely likely that Emil would become sheriff one day. Being the town sheriff basically painted a huge target on your back, and it would become exponentially harder for Lukas to protect his younger brother in that circumstance.

Lukas tried to shove those worries aside as he set a candle on the bedside table, slipped under his bed sheets and pulled open his favorite book of fairy tales. Worrying wasn't going to make the situation any better, best to lose his cares for a while by taking refuge into the world of make believe.

"Hey _fine looking lawman..._"

Lukas's eyes widened. Then he closed his eyes and shook his head.

_Idiot. Stupid Mathias. At least now he's a dead and gone idiot._

Lukas resumed his reading. Or tried to. How long would it take for the effects of having known Mathias to fade away from him? How long would it be before he got a peaceful night's sleep again?

"Your fairy book again? How about writing a _different kind of fantasy_ together?"

Lukas refused to remove his eyes from the page. _Mathias is dead. Dead people can't talk to you. I am hearing things._

And then the candle went out.

_I am still imagining things. _Lukas reminded himself as he sat up and reached to relight the candle.

"No need, Sexy, I can relight your flame for you..."

"I don't remember taking up Mayor Jones on his offer for free drinks..." Lukas mumbled as he tried to reach for the candlestick.

"Of course you didn't! You wanted to get drunk off of my sweet loving instead."

Lukas did not scream, instead he swung around and slammed the book down as hard as he possibly could on the pillow beside him.

"Ha ha! Oh Lukas, you know I like it rough, like a rodeo! Care for a ride?"

Lukas glared at the silvery-white image of Mathias that lay beside him, grinning mischievously and winking.

"You. Are. Dead." Lukas stated, setting his book back down on the bedside table. "You are dead, so I am not actually having this conversation with you. I am talking to nobody. Good night."

"Oh Lukas..."

Lukas ignored the now slightly saddened voice and closed his eyes. _Nothing there but a pillow._

"Why are you so upset? When have I done you any wrong, huh?"

"Our two year anniversary," Lukas snapped, his eyes opening again and glaring at the silvery white apparition that he still refused to believe was real.

"The anniversary? But I actually remembered it, unlike our one year anniversary-"

"You remembered it," Lukas gritted his teeth and turned away "And said you were going to take me 'someplace nice' and then actually took me to Fracisa's saloon and tried to get me to do a TWO PERSON STRIPPING ACT with you."

The apparition of Mathias burst out laughing. "Ha ha ha! That would've been sexy!"

"ON STAGE."

"Even better!"

"IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY."

"Why would that have been a problem? You look great naked, I look even better naked... We would've just made the entire town jealous is all. You care too much about what other people think of you Lukas."

"And you," Lukas could feel his own face turning red "Don't care enough about how other people feel! Did you think at all of how that would make me lose my self-respect?"

"To be honest with you Lukas, I usually just don't think."

"I believe that."

"Look Lukas, I know I'm about as thoughtful as a fence post, but you're wrong about me not caring about how other people feel. Don't you know why I came back from the grave?"

"Because you scared the devil out of hell."

"Your feelings Lukas," an other-worldy jolt of electricity went up Lukas's spine as the apparition slid a hand down his back "There's nothing that makes me feel better than making you feel good..."

Lukas groaned and rolled his eyes as he flipped back over to face Mathias's ghost. "You really came back from the dead just to have sex with me?"

Mathias grinned and started unbuttoning his own ghostly apparition of a shirt. "Ready for a trip to heaven, Angel?"

Saying no to Mathias and his goofy obnoxiousness was difficult for Lukas (as much as he would rather the world think otherwise). Saying no to a naked Mathias was…

…wasn't happening.

"Forget heaven, hell is warmer," Lukas sighed as he leaned his head on Mathias's ghost's shoulder "Take me there you…" Lukas cringed inside as he said it "…handsome fiery devil of an outlaw…"

"Ha ha! Aw…" Mathias patted Lukas on the head "I love the way you talk dirty in a completely monotone voice while scowling. It's so cute and such a turn-on."

"Just shut up and get me naked already."

**XD I hope my characterizations of these two are alright. I'm more used to working with SuFin. Feedback is welcome. : ) Thank you everybody for reading and reviewing! Ya'll are good folk and fantastic citizens.**


	5. Uncomfortable Conversations

The demon DID actually let Tino take a bath in peace.

...kind of.

By "in peace" it's meant that the demon didn't tell Tino to carve the soap into a shiv or to try and drown Berwald in the wash basin.

Instead it was just sort of generally complaining.

_Ergh...get it off. Wash it off. Get all that filthy filth off from when that __**thing**__ touched your hand. Disgusting._

_This is the third bath I've had since ya possessed me months ago. I'm pretty sure that he is about a bazillion times cleaner than I was when we were holding hands._

_Filth! Filth of the soul, absolutely disgusting…just the worst-_

Berwald = Heavily disliked by evil soul harvesting demon spirit

Tino's fondness of Berwald = +700 points

After Tino had gotten himself all freshly clean, cleanly shaven and dressed in what looked suspiciously like a woman's nightgown, he shyly stepped over to the corner of the house where Berwald sat staring into the fire.

"I-I never did properly thank ya for-" Tino began, but then nearly choked with terror when Berwald turned and faced him with a murderous-looking scowl. "Err…"

"Hm?" Berwald responded, his eyes unblinking and his facial expression unchanging.

"Ah, well…so, thank ya! I mean…ya know, for everything ya did…for me."

"Mm."

Had Berwald always looked absolutely terrifying? Or was Tino just now noticing since he finally had control of his mind and senses back?

_He looks really angry…then again I did just kill twenty or so of his townspeople. This sucks I-I don't even know what to say to him!_

"Ya should go t' bed."

"Eh?" Tino yelped and jumped back a little.

"Go t' bed. Ya look like yer going t' faint."

"Oh! Umm…"

Words of caring concern + terrifying angry face = ?

"Ha ha, yah! Good idea. Yah, I'll just…do that then," Tino turned away nervously and over to the neatly-made bed.

_Wanh! I feel terrible. He's saved me from the death penalty and is taking care of me and I can't even give him a proper "thank ya"? This is so awkward. Stupid crazy possessing demon thing!_

As Tino slipped under the covers the demon's voice became somewhat audible, but not loud enough to be completely coherent.

Tino closed his eyes tight and tried to drown out the demon's ramblings by reviewing what he still remembered about himself.

Name: Tino

Favorite holiday: Christmas

Favorite color: Christmas colors

Occupation: Professional sniper

_Maybe I accidentally sniped Father Christmas out of the sky and am now possessed by his vengeful spirit._

_I am NOT Father Christmas_, the demon growled.

_Okay, well that's reassuring at least. It would disturb me deeply if ya were a worldwide traveler and a role model of small children._

_I do like the North Pole though..._

_Ya do? This is the first time I've heard ya talk about liking anything besides soul harvesting. If I took ya to the North Pole would ya let me free and stop making me shoot innocent people?_

_..._

_...hello? Crazy demon voice? Is he gone forever? Oh that would be the best thing I could think of! It's probably not the case though..._

Tino sighed and his eyes briefly flickered open.

"AIHH!"

The sheriff was now laying on the opposite side of the bed, staring at Tino with that same terrifying expression. The only thing that had changed was now there were no spectacles on Berwald's face to stand between Tino and that intense, razor-sharp stare.

"I-I didn't know ya were there!" Tino stammered.

"Hm."

"I uh...I'm sorry. Do ya want me to move and sleep on the floor or something?"

"Yer fine where ya are."

"A-are ya sure?" Tino's entire form was trembling. _His face is so scary...nice pectorals though,_ Tino noted as his eyes wandered down to Berwald's now half-open shirt. _Very attractive...ha ha! To womenfolk that is. Not to me of course! Ha ha ha ha... someone help me!_

"Yah. Promised th' mayor 'd watch ya. Make sure ya didn't get into trouble."

"Oh..." Tino gulped "Ah, right. Well, that makes sense then."

"Hm." The sheriff continued silently staring at him.

_Maybe the problem is with me then. After all, he's just doing his job yah? Maybe I'm the one who is making this unnecessarily awkward. Maybe I just need to stir up a little small talk to lighten the mood and everything._

"So...this bed is, um... soft, yah?"

"That so?" Berwald answered flatly. His expression was certainly not softening.

"Er...yah! So uh, what are ya thinking about...right now?"

"M' job."

"Ah, yah of course. Of course ya are, that was a silly question!"

"Hm."

"An-anyways, you're really good at your job. I mean, it was super nice of ya to stand up for me and stuff and then take care of me. I...I really am grateful!"

"Are ya?" Was the sheriff's stare becoming less scary? Or was Tino just getting used to it?

"Yah! Of course I am. Ya didn't just save me from the gallows, ya saved me from becoming an instrument of destruction for that evil spirit guy. I mean, I owe my life to ya. So, as long as I'm alive, whatever ya want me to do to help ya I'll do absolutely willingly!"

The sheriff resumed total silence, which made Tino feel all queasy and nervous inside.

_Normally people would say something in response to that…but, I guess he's still mad at me for ruining his life. I can hardly blame him though-_

"Did think of one thing…"

"Eh?" Tino squeaked as he looked back up at Berwald.

"If ya wanted t' help, I did think of one thing…"

"Oh! Oh yah of course! What can I do to help ya?"

"Hm. Probably too soon t' ask ya though."

"What? No, no not at all!"

"Nh, after what ya went through…it'd probably make ya uncomfortable."

_Uncomfortable?Err…could he be meaning-?_ Tino blushed and his eyes wandered back down to the sheriff's fine lookin' body. _I think it'd be a little __**too**__ comfortable…_

"I-I can probably handle it…" Tino stammered as his face became redder still.

"Ya sure?"

"Yah, I mean i-it's whatever ya want…yah?"

"Hmm…"

Tino could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.

_You slut._ The demon muttered at him with annoyance before fading back into silence.

"Would ya-"

_Maybe he'll go easy on me at first if I tell him I'm a vir-_

"-want t' help m' stop a train robbery?"

Tino blinked. "Ya…huh?"

_I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that euphemism…_

"There's a serial train robber that's been makin' people scared t' travel t' these parts. Hurtin' th' town's economy. Ya want t' help m' take him down?"

**Did you reviewers know that you make me smile? You do. So many smiles. Ya'll take care of yourselves. Love all around.**


	6. Blah Blah Blah Strategy Blah : P

**Meh, not the best at chapters where the characters just plan and strategize… Necessary but not as fun. Ah well. Chapter after this we get to SHOOT PEOPLE! YEE-HAW!**

"T-THAT'S your horse?" Tino gasped in surprise.

When Berwald had said they were going out to get his horse ready Tino had expected to meet a towering, tall monster of a stallion. Instead it was a snow-white fluffy-maned equine whose ears fell several inches short of Tino's shoulder.

"Technically she's a pony," Berwald explained as he knelt down beside the little mare. "Got her as a 'thank ya' gift from a local pony farmer I helped one time. Got t' pick m' favorite, so I took Cutie here home with m'."

"Oh..." So that's how the tall, strong sheriff ended up with such an itty-bitty steed "So they didn't have any full-sized horses?"

"They did," Cutie nuzzled the sheriff on the shoulder as he scratched her gently behind the ears "But she was th' cutest."

_...Cutest?_

As Tino watched Berwald feed the pony a handful of sugar cubes, he started to again wonder about the character of the scary-looking lawman.

_Is, is this a soft side I'm seeing behind his steely strong exterior?_

Tino's pondering was interrupted when the junior deputies entered the scene.

"Sheriff-" Junior Deputy Lukas had his face turned away from Berwald and Tino as he clutched his stomach. "I feel sick today and I don't think I'll be able to perform-"

"Well I don't know, you performed _pretty well_ last night Lukas! Heh heh heh…"

"…my responsibilities-" Lukas clenched his teeth in annoyance. Turns out ghosts could visit you anytime of the day. In fact, a ghost could hang around you all day if it wanted. "-as deputy."

_I guess it's good nobody else can see him,_ Lukas thought of his lover's ghost. _Although now nobody will possibly understand what's happening to me._

"Yah, ya look kind of like you're turning green," Tino noted.

"Mm," Berwald agreed "Wouldn't send ya t' th' streets today. Think yer up for a research mission though?"

"Research mission?" Emil turned his head to the side.

"Yah. Ride t' th' county courthouse 'nd see what ya can learn out about him," Berwald pointed back at Tino "Search th' files 'nd see if ya can find anything. That 'lright?"

Emil looked to Lukas, who nodded back at him.

"Yah, we can do that."

"'lright. We'll meet ya there later on, when we bring Gold-snatching Gilbert in t' do his time."

Their eyes widened. "Gold-snatching Gilbert?!" Even the ghost of Sheriff Mathias looked surprised.

"You're planning on catching him?"

"Yah, we'll bring him in this afternoon."

"That doesn't make any of the senses!" Emil exclaimed "Law enforcement officers have been chasing him for years, and you think you can catch him in one afternoon?"

"Yah. We have somethin' th' other law enforcement officials didn't have."

"What would that be?"

Berwald put a hand on Tino's shoulder "We have this feller. Also-" Berwald turned to look Tino in the eyes "How good are ya at archery?"


	7. Trained for Trouble

A yellow blur striking through the cloud of smoke and dust caught the train guard's eye. As it came closer to the caboose the guard realized that it was a small yellow bird.

"Hey Little Feller," the guard smiled as bird perched on his outstretched hand "Don't usually find creatures that look like you around these parts. Ya'll lookin' for a way ho-OH!"

The guard's eyed rolled into the back of his head as he collapsed into a heap. Above him stood none other than Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert, orneriest train robber on this side of the Mississippi. His red eyes gleamed like the cinders of a camp fire as a self-assured smirk spread across his face.

"Heh, heh, nice vork Gilbird," he noted as the yellow bird landed on his shoulder "The security on zis train vould make me grandmother laugh like zis 'HA HA HA!'. You think zey vould've learned better by now. Ah vell. Now zat my fellow bandits have secured ze roof I can go valtzing through ze train collecting valuables from people like a coercive version of 'trick-or-treating'."

That is how bad Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert was. He'd make allusions to customs that hadn't even been established yet. The only law he lived by was the worship of his own self-proclaimed awesomeness. He was a quite a scoundrel, that Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert.

"Attention all losers!" Gilbert exclaimed as he kicked open the door to a passenger car. The people on board gasped as he stepped out into the aisle. Many screamed and several fainted at the sight of him. "I am Awesome Gilbert. For zose of you who aren't familiar vith ze vay-"

Gilbert was interrupted by a brief flurry of gunfire. A few passengers drew out weapons and began to take aim at his chest, but they were silenced within seconds by the undercover bandits Gilbert had planted throughout the train.

"Someone alvays tries zat," Gilbert sighed as he waved away the gun smoke and began again "Anyvay, for zose of you who aren't familiar vith the vay zis vorks, basically you give me all your valuable crap and zen everything ve'll be fine. If you refuse to comply ve vill strip you naked, take a picture of you and then mail it back to your mother on ze Pony Express. If your mom is attractive I'll send a picture of myself to her too. BAH HA HA! Any questions?"

A few miles ahead Cutie raced alongside the train tracks, pulling Sheriff Oxenstierna and Tino in a tiny two-person wagon. Berwald had given Tino a bow and a quiver of not-too-sharp arrows that'd been soaked in a fast-acting sedative. He'd also modified their handcuffs to include several feet of chain in the middle so that Tino would have more freedom of arm movement.

"Haven't any armed train passengers tried to just shoot him or something?" Tino asked.

"Yah," Berwald confirmed. "He has members of his gang riding undercover on every train he decides t' rob. They get rid of any resistance pretty fast. Then they rob th' poor folk 'nd run off."

"Wouldn't someone at the train station get suspicious if the train is late?"

Berwald shook his head. "They never stop th' train. Just jump off 'nd take th' loot with 'em. Th' way t' stop him would be t' have someone outside th' train take him out, though it's hard t' find someone who can shoot quickly and accurately enough t' hit a target in a speeding train. That's where ya come in."

"Ah," Tino nodded "I understand now! Although, why the arrows? I mean I can probably still make it work and everything, I was just curious-"

"There are civilians on th' train. Don't want ya wieldin' a more dangerous weapon than ya have t'."

"But I would never-" then Tino stopped and his face fell. The soul-harvesting demon…Tino kept forgetting that bit. "I understand…" He looked down at his hands, clean on the surface, but responsible for the deaths of numerous innocents.

_I-I can't undo what I've done._ Tears started to creep their way into Tino's eyes. _And maybe I've gone too far to ever redeem my soul from evil, but as long as I'm alive I should still do what I can yah? Maybe I can still help other people, even if it's too late for me._

Tino blinked the tears away and returned his thoughts to the mission at hand. "How will I know which car he's in?"

"He'll be in th' first class car. It'll be near th' front of th' train with red 'nd white stripes on th' side."

"How do ya know he'll be there?"

"Because that's where Roderich Edelstein is going t' be."

"He-wait...so do they have a long standing grudge or something?"

"Suppose ya could say that."

…

Roderich closed his eyes and leaned his head back as his delicate fingers danced across the piano keys. He let himself drown in the melody that his instrument emitted, willing it to take him far away from the noisy train car. Far, far away to a place of elegance and dignity where he wouldn't have to deal with the crudeness of commoners…

"Nice music Pretty Boy, but I think you've just played your final number."

Roderich's fingers froze as he shakily turned around to face Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert, who was holding a revolver just inches away from Roderich's head.

"V-Vhat ze heck!" Roderich stammered "You made me hit a wrong note! Don't you at least have ze dignity to not interrupt a man in ze middle of a song? Not only do you have no class, you have absolutely no respect for music, which basically means you're worth nothing as a human being."

Gilbert's crimson eyes burned beneath his sandy silver hair "Oh, I have respect for music. In fact, I vas just going to ask you to sing for me. Sing my little songbird! I vant to hear you cry like a sissy-baby-girl-man-boy!" he exclaimed as he pulled back the hammer on the gun and pressed the muzzle against Roderich's forehead. "Maybe I'll let you dance for me later if I enjoy ze show enough."

"N-never! Such is beneath ze dignity of a prince!"

Gilbert shrugged with a resigned smile.

"Alright, have it your way zen."

Gilbert aimed the revolver away from Roderich's head and shot the end of the handsomely crafted piano. Woodchips and chunks of ivory filled the air as Mr. Edelstein's horrified scream echoed off the walls of the first class car.

Gilbert was still laughing long after the gun smoke cleared. "BAH HA HA HA! Ah, your face-the hilarity of it brings awesome tears to my awesome eyes. Now get on ze floor and start begging for mercy or you'll end up in a lot vorse condition zan your beloved piano."

Roderich, terrified and broken, slid onto the floor of the train car. He yelped as Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert kicked him in the chin and sent him sliding down the aisle. When he tried to stand up he found himself with Gilbert's boot pressing into his chest and a revolver once again aimed at his head.

"It's been fun, all zis train-robbing business, I von't deny it. But really all zat was just a snack that I devoured before I ate my super-awesome meal of revenge against you." Gilbert smirked "Look at you, shivering in a vay zat would make a little girl-baby embarrassed. Who knows vat Elizabeta vas zinking ven she left me for you?"

"Probably about ze time you replaced her best handkerchief vith your filthy commoner crotch-cloth!"

"BAH HA HA HA!" Gilbert had to rub the tears of amusement out of his eyes "Zat was hilarious! Thank you for reminding me of zat amusing memory. Anyvays, blah blah blah revenge is mine at last and it's been nice knowing you. Good bye Roderich!" Gilbert pulled back the hammer once more and was about to take aim when he suddenly fell over like a fence-post and the revolver clattered to the floor.

"V-vhat ze?" Roderich shakily sat up and looked down at the incapacitated train robber. "Vhere ze heck did zat arrow in his shoulder come from?"


	8. Explanation Unknown

"Zat vas awesome! I can't believe you shot me through ze vindow of a speeding train. You have some impressive skills. But of course you vould have to have impressive skills to catch me. After all, I'm awesome!"

Tino led Cutie along as Berwald walked behind Gilbert with a volcanic aimed between the train robber's shoulder blades. The fact that Gilbert was now being escorted to the county courthouse by two lawmen was not stopping him from bragging about what a brilliant criminal he was.

"Now zat I think about it, it's actually really good zat you stopped me before I shot Roderich Edelstein's brains out. If I'd killed him zen ze fun vould be over, but now he has to live ze rest of his sissy life vith ze traumatizing memory of my awesomeness. Ah, I vish I could have snapped a photo of his face ven I shot his piano to pieces, too priceless."

_'m really glad t' be putting this guy behind bars_, Berwald concluded.

"And zen I voke up in handcuffs. Although ven you look like me, how can you possibly expect to not wake up in handcuffs? Zere are more vomen who have bondage fantasies about my awesomeness in handcuffs zen zere are buffalo on ze plains of ze Western territories. Zat reminds me, by ze vay, vhat's ze story behind ze chains connecting ze two of you?"

Tino's cheeks turned the color of a bad sunburn as he nervously glanced over at Berwald.

"Not yer business," Berwald answered without emotion. The sheriff's expression remained unchanged. "Yer here t' do time, not ask questions."

"Heh heh, oh zat's fine. Keep your dirty business to yourself. My awesomeness has other things to think about, like how Roderich Edelstein's mother looked naked last night! Bah ha ha ha ha!"

They finally stopped by a scraggly shade tree just outside the county courthouse. Tino tied Cutie up to the tree as Berwald removed the other end of the handcuffs from his own wrist and attached it to the side of the wagon.

"Sorry 'bout this," Berwald finished securing Tino to the wagon "Mayor's orders. 'nd I don't want t' take ya inside where there might be "Wanted" posters of ya."

"Oh, it's okay!" Tino replied "I completely understand yah! I'm just grateful to not be a dead body hanging from a rope right now. Besides, I have a friend with me," he smiled as he patted Cutie on the shoulder. "I'll just be here for whenever ya get back."

"Hm," Berwald nodded before taking out a canteen of water, a small bag full of biscuits and a slightly battered dime novel "Here. So ya don't get hungry or thirsty or bored or anything."

"I, oh!" Tino's hands trembled as he accepted the items, "I...thank ya! Thank ya very much. This is super considerate of ya."

"It's nothin'," Berwald replied as he turned and started to walk Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert over to the building.

Tino found himself in a state of confusion as he looked down at the provisions he'd been given. It may have been just a small gift, but Tino couldn't help but feel a little warmth inside when he considered that Berwald had thought about him ahead of time.

_Not only is he merciful and stuff, _Tino noted silently as he nibbled on one of the biscuits, _he's also really caring and thoughtful_. _Granted he doesn't say much, but actions speak louder than words yah? I wish there was something I could help him with besides catching bandits and stuff. Maybe I can try cleaning his house when we get back tonight or something._

_You're deluding yourself,_ hissed the demon voice as it became audible once again _This 'caring' and 'mercy' he is showing you is just a ploy to keep you around so that he can use you as a weapon against his enemies._

Tino's face fell when he realized that there could very well be truth in the evil spirit's words. _Even if that's the case,_ Tino shrugged off the stinging feeling and opened the dime novel, _it doesn't change the fact that he has great-looking pectoral muscles._


	9. Price of a Life

"Where's yer brother?" Sheriff Oxenstierna asked Deputy Emil as they met outside the county courthouse filing offices.

"Back in the filing shelves," Emil frowned "I'm concerned about him. After a few minutes of research he said he didn't feel well, went and hid in the back of the cabinets, and has been making weird noises ever since. An even stranger thing is, I thought I heard what sounded like Sheriff Kohler's voice back there too, shouting something about bull riding and polishing Lukas's revolver, but I admit, none of it made much of the senses to me."

Gilbert, who immediately understood the situation very clearly, starting cracking up and soon had tears of amusement streaming down his cheeks.

"BAH HA HA HA! Getting freaky in ze filing rooms. Oh I can't vait to be locked up in zis place. Zis is going to be vild good times, I can tell."

Berwald, who didn't understand the situation at all, stared at Gilbert and then came up with his own conclusion.

_Think m' junior deputies both have a touch of brain fever 'nd are hallucinating. 'm going t' relieve them of duty for a few days so they can both recover._

"I want ya t' take th' next week off. Take care of yer brother, 'nd make sure t' get plenty of rest yerself."

Emil nodded "Thank you Sheriff. Did you want to see what I found on the town shooter?"

"Mm," Berwald grumbled as he accepted the file from Emil and flipped it open.

Tino V- was once a professional sniper employed by the federal government to aid communities dealing with harassment from particularly nasty criminals. It was widely agreed that he was both the most talented and the most honest assassin on either side of the Mississippi, as he was frequently turning down bribes from thugs and outlaws to turn to the dark side of the law.

_'lright..._ Berwald thought as he read through the file _Still don't see it. He just doesn't have a very assassin-like disposition. Although maybe that's th' point, t' get someone for th' job who isn't really bloodthirsty, that way they only take out th' people that they have t'_.

He flipped to a 'WANTED' poster featuring Tino's face and a $800,000 reward posted beneath it. His eyes widened as he read through the description.

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: Rogue ex-federal operative Tino V is wanted for at the intentional murder of no less than 84 law-abiding citizens.

_Eighty-four?!_ _M' god… 'nd this isn't counting th' ones he killed in m' town yesterday. _Berwald took a deep breath in. "Suppose that's a mighty dramatic change of course. When did he fall from national hero t' this?"

"Just a few months ago. About-" Emil's eyes started to get watery "About the same time Mr. Puffin disappeared." He sniffled and wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

_...'lright then..._

"Thanks for this," Berwald closed the file and tucked it under his arm "Take yer brother home now. Both of ya rest."

Emil nodded and went back for Lukas. Berwald continued to escort Gilbert through the courthouse when the prisoner suddenly stopped to look at something on the wall.

"BAH HA HA! Look zere, zey tried to recreate my awesomeness and put it on a WANTED poster. Ah vell, even ze badly sketched version of me is still infinity times more attractive zen ze rest of these losers up here."

Berwald turned to see dozens of WANTED posters with various criminals posted on them, all listed with a varying amount of reward money-

Something clicked in Sheriff Oxenstierna's brain as he opened Tino's file again and flipped to the WANTED poster.

_$800,000…_

He glanced back up at the money amounts listed below the other criminals on the wall. Gold Snatchin' Gilbert was worth a reward of $100,000.

_So $700,000…_

…

The county judge nearly wet himself when the door swung open and a terrifying-looking man wearing a sheriff badge led nefarious train robber Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert into his office.

"What in the name of Manifest Destiny-?"

"Have a question, Yer Honor," the sheriff said as he pushed Gilbert towards the county judge's desk. "Can a wanted man pay back his debt t' society if he catches enough other criminals for a total amount worth th' same amount of money he is?"

"You-wait a second. You want to try to save Gold-Snatchin' Gilbert from-?"

"Nh," Berwald shook his head "Not him. Him 'm here t' turn in. He's worth $100,000."

"Zat's right! $100,000 at least. I don't put out for nothing, geez. I'm a vanted criminal, not a bargain cathouse vorker! You get vhat you pay for, Partner."

….

"…I'll get the jailer to lock 'im up now."

"Yah, good plan." Berwald agreed.

Once Gilbert had been taken away the judge sighed and pulled two bottles of whiskey out of the drawer. "Anyways, well done Son. I thought my baby nephew would be an old man before we'd be able to catch that varmit. Ya'll care for a celebration drink?"

Berwald shook his head.

"Alright. Ya'll won't mind if I do then-" the judge opened the bottle and took a shot. "So what ya'll askin' about wanted criminals for anyways, aside from the fact ya'll just caught one?"

"There is an innocent man with a price on his head, 'nd I want t' set him free."

"Oh yeah? Who do ya'll think is innocent?"

"Tino V-"

The county judge choked on the whiskey he'd been chugging. "Ya'll want to release THAT guy? Do ya'll have ANY idea how dangerous-?"

"Yah, 've seen it m' self. Took out over twenty of m' own townsfolk just yesterday. He's gotta demon spirit in him Yer Honor. Th' town's two priests confirmed it just yesterday."

"Are ya'll serious?"

"As th' grave."

"I think that demon-possession bullsh(excrement) is all a bunch of hocus-pocus nonsense fibs."

Sheriff Oxenstierna raised an eyebrow "So Yer Honor is an atheist?"

"W-what-? H(bad-side-of-afterlife) no! What ya'll tryin' to accuse me of Son? Atheism is a hangin' crime in these parts, along with horse-thievin' and homosexuality!"

"So ya do believe in devils 'nd demons?"

"Well of course I believe in devils and demons. Every God-fearin' man on earth knows that those who deny the devil are workin' on his side-oh I see what ya'll are tryin' to do. You're a right sneaky one, ain't ya?"

Berwald shook his head "No Yer Honor. Don't want t' trick ya. Just want t' set an innocent man free."

"Why does he mean so much to ya'll? He family or somethin'?"

"No yer honor, just met him yesterday."

"Then what do ya'll possibly have to gain from this?"

"Ya know what a good shot he is. Tino was th' one who shot Gilbert with an arrow through a speeding train. He can clear th' criminals out of these parts 'nd make m' town a safe place for honest folk again."

"Ya'll are out of your mind," the judge sighed as he took another shot of whiskey "Alright, tell you what Son. There's a town north of here called Armadillo Wheeltracks. In this town is a certified board of holy men from five different faiths. If all of them can agree that this Tino fellow has a legitimate demon inside of him, then I will accept the possession as a reality."

"'nd then?"

"Then if ya'll can bring in double his worth in wanted criminals, I will let him walk away a free man. IF ya'll can do it, that is."

_$1,500,000…I will __never__ have time t' get married 'nd move south._ Berwald paused and watched his dreams being swept away like sand grains in the wind.

But the memory of those bright, large innocent brown eyes...that pleading little voice...that sweet smile...that polite, cheerful, helpful nature...

_Nh, not just m' junior deputies. Seems I have a touch of brain fever m'self, because it's hard t' imagine anything else that would make m' say-_

"Alright. 'll do m' best."

**Reader dudes, you guys have been so awesome and patient. Thank you for the reviews and support, I owe you all big time. I worry Berwald may have gotten a touch out of character this chapter, since he usually doesn't try very hard to persuade people. Alas...oh well. I hope it doesn't detract too much from the story.**

**Oh also, don't hang people for stupid reasons. Sexual orientation and religious preference are both stupid reasons to send someone to the gallows. Also, don't drink alcohol, it will impair your neutrophils' ability to migrate to the site of inflammation. I think that's about it. Peace out and love all around!**


	10. Control Issues

**This chapter begins with demon evil-ness and ends with super silly fluff. Why? Well, why not? Also, I love all my reviewers, even those who aren't logged in so I can't message them back personally. Love all around dudes!**

There are five levels of control that a demon has over the host it possesses. The level of control will increase and decrease with fluctuations in the demon's and host's strength.

At level one the demon has no control over the host's actions and is nearly silent. The demon may become an audible voice in the host's mind for a brief period of time if it experiences extreme emotion of some kind, but will return to silence soon after.

At level two the demon's voice is constantly audible and it will talk to the host nearly non-stop. Demons do generally not have control over the host's actions at this stage. However the host will experience an annoying mental sensation similar to being constantly poked in the ribs if it refuses to comply with the demon's commands.

At level three the demon's voice is not only audible, but is also extremely loud and has an eerie resonance effect that makes the words echo through the host's brain. If the host refuses to comply with the demon's demands at level 3 they will be subjected to a pain similar to the feeling of touching an electric fence/being burned with a cattle brand until they give in and obey. Those who resist level 3 possession for long periods of time will gradually start to lose their memories.

At level 4 the demon has gained control of the host's body movements, mostly. A virtuous host can make a limited amount of resistance at this level by disrupting the demon's actions. So while a host could not make themselves walk at this stage, they could stop themselves from walking. With enough effort the host can force the demon to drop the object it's holding. But no host, regardless of their moral strength, can last more than a few minutes trying to disrupt the demon's efforts at destruction. After a brief and exhausting struggle, the host will tire out and the demon will reach control level 5.

During level 5 there is literally nothing the host can do. They are prisoners inside their own bodies, unable to have even the slightest bit of influence on their bodies' words or actions. This is the level poor Tino had been experiencing for the most of the last few months. He'd been an unwilling witness to the death of over 100 innocents during this time. On the few occasions the evil spirit had let its guard down and accidentally fallen to control level 3 Tino had jumped at the opportunity and tried a number of things to stop the demon's plans. He'd attempted everything from turning himself in to breaking his arms to hanging himself. Anything, he thought, to stop that demon from using him as a weapon to hurt innocents.

But none of his attempts worked. The demon would soon wrestle control back from him and the control level would be back at level 5. There seemed to be no hope that Tino would ever be able to stop the demon's path of destruction.

Until he crossed paths with Sheriff Oxenstierna, that is. Something about the lawman made the evil spirit shrivel up like a dried weed. It hadn't been able to take a control level higher than 2 since Tino ran into him yesterday.

But then, as Tino sat under the shade of a scraggly tree, reading the unusually romantic dime novel Berwald had lent to him and absentmindedly scratching Cutie on the nose, the evil spirit struck back once again, setting the control level back up to three and causing Tino to yelp and clutch his stomach.

_Make your escape now Tino. That fool of a lawman left you with a pony and wagon. Run, and begin the soul harvesting once again._

"Not a chance!" Tino cried as he dropped the book and threw his arms around the scraggly tree trunk. "Ya can't make me leave, I refuse!"

_Dear dear, Tino, a little over a day and already you have forgotten the intensity of my power? Give in Tino. You know the consequences of disobedience._

Tino closed his eyes and clenched his mouth shut, trying not to flinch at the searing pain that tore through his nervous system.

_Not moving not moving not moving NOT MOVING!_ Tino resolved, now battling in his mind to hold on for just one more minute, and then another, and another...

Soon the pain was all there was, and Tino could feel himself slipping away. Then he felt something touch his arm. Tino opened his tear-filled eyes to see that Cutie was licking his elbow.

In the midst of all the pain, Tino smiled. _Cutie. Cutie is...Berwald's pony..._

_Berwald..._

_Berwald can save me_, Tino remembered. _If I can just hold on until Berwald gets here..._

That hope kept the evil spirit at bay for a long while, but eventually even the sheriff started to fade into a half-certain memory, a vague idea...

_I am going to die..._ Tino concluded as what little of him there was left started to dissolve into the darkness.

"Tino-"

The darkness switched into a blurry view of the county courthouse, and a scowling face that belonged to none other than-

"-B-Berwald!" Tino squeaked as he let go of the tree and clutched the front of the sheriff's vest. His face fell onto the sheriff's shirt as Tino started crying with relief "I'm so glad to see ya. Ya have no idea how glad I am to see ya!"

Sheriff Oxenstierna was all sorts of confused as Tino clung to him and sobbed.

_Don't understand why he's doing this…Is he using m' shirt t' dry his tears with? Suppose that's 'lright. Still doesn't explain why he's clinging t' m' though…_

Berwald stared down at Tino for a few more moments before he was able to process the situation.

_Think he wants m' t' comfort him._

Oh mercy. That was not one of Berwald's strengths. The last time he'd given anybody a hug was when he hugged his parents the day before they both died. Berwald knew, in principle, how to give a hug, he just hadn't given one since he was ten years old.

_Nh, shouldn't be too hard, right?_ Berwald thought as he awkwardly lifted up one arm and laid it across Tino's shoulders. Then he pulled his other arm up and did the same. It felt stiff and unnatural, but it seemed to work anyways. Tino's sobbing softened and he seemed to relax a little.

Then Tino sighed and settled the side of his face against the sheriff's chest, and the world turned upside down for poor Berwald.

_M' face…is starting t' feel like it's burning. What is-what am I-?_ Berwald's eyes widened with realization.

_Am I…__blushing__?_

Berwald had never blushed in his life, ever. This was the first time the lawman could remember not being in control of his external reactions. His pulse started to accelerate as the beginnings of panic started to stir up in his heart.

_Nh, calm down. Probably just th' stress getting' t' m'. No need t' worry. 'll just keep holding him until m' face goes back t' normal so Tino doesn't look up 'nd see this…whatever this is._

This strategy did not work as Berwald had hoped. Against the sheriff's own will, his arms relaxed and slowly slid down Tino's waist.

_What? Stop that. What are ya doing?_ Berwald asked himself as he pulled Tino's small form closer to his own. _Yer makin' th' blush worse. Ya have t' stop._

_Can't._ Berwald replied as his face grew warmer still. Tino's sobbing stopped completely and his skinny little arms started to snake their way around Berwald's back. _Can't stop…'nd I don't think 'd even want t' stop if I could._

Though there was no change of expression on Berwald's blushing face, there was a jump in the sheriff's heart rate as he felt his own destiny starting to slip out of his control.

_M' god, what is happening t' me?_


	11. Squeaky Cheese

"1 MILLION AND SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!?" Tino shrieked. He and the sheriff were sitting by a campfire in a nowhere zone about halfway between the county courthouse and Armadillo Wheeltracks.

"1 million five hundred thousand dollars, actually," Berwald replied "Ya took care of one hundred thousand by bringing in Gilbert today."

"That's still so much!" Tino sobbed as he buried his face in his hands "It will take us forever to get that amount of money. I don't want to put ya through that. Just let them take me to the gallows! I'd understand."

"Nh," Berwald shook his head "Bad approach. Wouldn't want t' do that."

"B-but why?" Tino stammered, heart heavy with guilt.

"Many reasons," Berwald started listing them off-

"#1: It'd set a bad precedent for other cases of demon possession victims.

#2: If ya died th' demon would just take another host, possibly one who would cooperate with th' demon more, making it easier for him t' hurt people.

#3: T' kill someone with yer skills in long range weaponry would be wasting a valuable opportunity t' rid these parts of highly troublesome criminals."

"Oh," Tino paused to reflect on the sheriff's words "I guess the plan makes a lot more sense when ya put it like that. Ya have a really logical method of thinking through things, by the way. It's pretty neat!"

"Mm, thanks..." Berwald mumbled as he looked down at his feet. "Try t' think logically, at least."

Though the truth was Sheriff Oxenstierna's sense of logic had been operating substantially worse since the hugging shenanigans that afternoon. He'd analyzed the context and symptoms and decided that the episode had been caused by one of the following three conditions.

1. Demonic influence

2. Romantic attraction

3. Heat exhaustion

When they got back home Berwald planned to consult the frontiersman's medical guide, his collection of romantic dime novels and the Holy Bible in order to systematically research each option and determine the true cause of the incident. Until then, Berwald decided to avoid hugging Tino under any circumstances, because he was still having trouble with this blushing business every time he remembered holding the head deputy in his arms.

Meanwhile, Tino was having an even harder time dealing with the thoughts in his head, many of which weren't even his own.

_It will be so easy Tino. Just push the sheriff into the fire and let the flames consume that cesspool of filth!_

_Stop it!_ Tino winced as the demon continued nagging at him to murder Sheriff Oxenstierna. _You're__ the filthy one! Ya just go around harvesting souls to get power and stuff! The sheriff is a nice guy who thinks about ways to protect people._

_Destroy him Tino! Destroy him and there will be no more obstacles standing between us and ultimate power!_

Tino whimpered softly and scooted closer to the sheriff. The demon's voice faded as he did, and Tino breathed a sigh of relief before wrapping his arms around his knees.

"So-" Tino turned to Berwald, desperate for something to take his mind off of the evil spirit's voice "-what are ya thinking about, tonight?"

"Agriculture," responded Berwald, his gaze not moving from the ground at his feet.

"Oh agriculture! That's great stuff. Agriculture gives us all kinds of wonderful things, like food and, uh...cheese...which is also food so I don't know why I just said it. Ha ha!"

"Hm."

Tino's hands were trembling as he nervously turned away. _I know he's a good person, because the demon spirit wouldn't dislike him so much if he wasn't a good person, but he's still really __really__ intimidating! I wish I knew how to talk to him, but I don't! I just don't know what to say. I feel like I keep making things more awkward._

"Ya must like cheese a lot."

"Eh?!" Tino yelped and jumped ever so slightly at the sound of Berwald's voice.

"Ya must like cheese a lot. That's why ya mentioned it specifically."

"Oh!" Tino paused as he remembered where their conversation had left off "Yah! Yah I do like cheese a lot. My favorite is Finnish Squeaky Cheese. I wonder why that is...maybe my family was Finnish. I guess that would explain my accent yah? Though honestly I don't remember them so who knows if I'll ever find out for sure."

"...I see." the sheriff nodded slightly before resuming his silence.

"Err, but that's enough about me! What got ya thinking about agriculture? Do ya plan to start a farm someday?"

"Yah," Berwald replied as he folded his hands together and looked up at the stars. " 'd like t' have a farm...'nd a family..." he mumbled, his voice growing quieter at the second half of the sentence.

"A family?" Tino repeated, stomach sinking as he thought about it. "With kids and a wife and stuff?"

The sheriff nodded.

"Ah..." Tino felt a little deader inside somehow, though he saw no good reason why he should. So he shook it off and tried continuing the conversation. "A wife huh? So do ya have any womenfolk that ya fancy?"

"Not really."

_Whew!_ Tino was vastly relieved, though he immediately felt guilty for being so. _Come on Tino, get a hold of yourself. Ya know he's just doing his job by keeping ya around. Ya didn't really expect him to want you and you alone by his side forever, did ya? _

So Tino tried to tell himself...while some rebellious part of him continued to remember the hug from earlier that day. That'd felt so safe and comfortable, like nothing bad could possibly happen when he was securely wrapped in the sheriff's strong yet gentle arms.

"Do ya?"

"Eeep!" Tino squeaked as he turned back to the sheriff. "Ha ha! I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Do ya have any womenfolk that ya fancy?"

"Oh no!" Tino laughed nervously "I absolutely don't have any womenfolk that I fancy. I mean I don't even like womenfolk. That's, ha ha ha, silliness."

The sheriff turned to him with a look of concern "Ya dislike womenfolk?"

"Ah no!" Tino hoped the darkness was sufficient to hide the pink rising to his face "Ah, that's not what I meant. I like them fine, I just don't fancy them, ya know?"

Berwald stared at him for a few moments more "Interesting..." he muttered to himself before turning to look back at the smoldering remnants of the campfire.

Tino's muscles tensed up as he fearfully started wondering what kind of conclusions Berwald was coming up with from Tino's last statement.

_Maybe I should change the subject so he's distracted-actually never mind I'd probably somehow make things even worse. Maybe I should just stop talking for the night_.

"So we should both go to bed now, yah? I mean sleep!" Tino squeaked at the end of his sentence "Ha ha! Yah, sleep is what I meant. We should go to sleep together. IN SEPARATE BLANKET ROLLS! Yah, I, well, ya know what I mean."

"Suppose so," Berwald replied as he stood up and retrieved the blanket rolls from the wagon. Tino scrambled to his feet and hastily worked to cover the cinders with sand.

It was then Tino remembered that Berwald had removed the shackles connecting the two of them together once they'd arrived at camp. "Don't want ya t' get sores on yer wrist," Berwald had explained. That'd been really sweet of him, Tino thought, but now he worried that the demon would take control and make him run away.

"Do ya think ya should maybe, ah… tie me up or something?" Tino suggested once they'd both settled into their sleeping rolls.

"Nh," Berwald shook his head as he removed his spectacles and set them in a safe case under his pillow. "Ya haven't done anything but help m' today. Ya don't deserve t' be punished like that."

"But I-I'm nervous, ya know? I'm worried that the evil spirit will take control while you're asleep and then make me run away and do more evil stuff. I'm scared Berwald!" Tino exclaimed as the terror involuntarily seeped into his voice.

"I see…" Berwald paused to think for a moment before sliding under his blankets "Suppose it makes sense for ya t' be worried about that. Let me see yer hand then."

Tino had never been so relieved at the thought of being chained to someone. He extended his hand towards the sheriff, who took it into his own, laced their fingers together, and moved no more.

After several seconds Tino realized that this was actually the sheriff's final solution. A tingling electric kind of feeling crawled up Tino's arm and ran down his spine.

"Won't let th' demon take ya away from m'," the sheriff murmured. Tino turned to look at him, but Berwald's face was buried under his blanket.

All sorts of explosions surged through Tino as the reality of holding hands all night with the scary yet handsome sheriff sank in. He swallowed the squeaking noises that were crawling up his throat.

"T-thank ya!" he managed to stammer before his brain's ability to form coherent words was derailed.

"Mmhmm…" Berwald's voice trailed off drowsily.

_I don't think I'll be getting to sleep anytime soon..._ Tino hypothesized as Berwald's fingers gently slid across the back of Tino's hand. _Not that I'd really want to sleep through this. His hands are so warm and strong. I feel embarrassed, my hands are so small and squishy! Ah well, it probably doesn't matter anyways. He's probably fast asleep by now._

_Hope Tino thinks 'm fast asleep by now,_ Berwald thought as he held that soft, delicate hand inside his own. _Actually I kind of hope Tino falls asleep soon so I can take this blanket off m' face. Starting t' think I can eliminate "heat exhaustion" from th' causes-of-blushing list._

Berwald tried to distract himself by thinking about agriculture again...about a cozy little house on the top of a rolling hillside. Large green fields for the kids to run through, a front porch with two rocking chairs where he could sit and watch the sunset with his wife-

_Nh!_ Berwald flinched as Tino started to materialize on the other rocking chair in his imaginary dream future. _What is he doing there? That chair is for m'-_

The image ran through his brain again. The glow of the sunset reflected very prettily off of Tino's sweet smiling face. That bright melodic laugh carried like a song across the hills. And their fingers laced together so comfortably…

_...for m' wife._ Berwald could no longer push the picture out of his mind. Nor did he want to. Everything in his imaginary dream future seemed now a dozen times more breathtaking because Tino was in it.

_Interesting..._ Berwald thought to himself as he absentmindedly felt around for Tino's ring finger. Sleep claimed him as he started trying to estimate what size wedding band would fit that lovely little hand resting inside his own.

**I'm sorry for the delay beloved readers. I promise I'm not going all US federal government and shutting down on you guys. This story is more complicated than the others so the chapters require more planning and rewriting and blah blah blah. So expect slower-than-normal updates for this one. Like maybe only two or three a week. :' ( I will not leave this story unfinished, worry not. Permanently unfinished stories are an abomination before me. Your patience and support is much appreciated. Love all around!**


	12. Evidence File 1

**Page A: A Native American shaman participating in an interfaith justice panel**

"Two with other spirits?" the shaman inquired with widening eyes as he saw the sheriff lead his deputy into the examination room.

"Nh," the sheriff shook his head and pointed to the deputy "Just him. 'm only here t' keep him out of trouble."

The shaman's gaze stayed on the sheriff a few moments more.

"Of course. Thank you for being at this young man's side."

**Page B: A junior deputy seeking counsel from the town priest**

"Good afternoon Deputy." Brother Kiku greeted Lukas as the lawman took off his hat and stepped into the shrine. "What is it you seek here today?"

Lukas looked around the shrine hesitantly, checking to see if there was anybody else in the building.

"There is nobody here except you, myself and Brother Heracles," Kiku informed him "Please do not feel afraid to share your concerns with me."

Lukas sighed and looked down at the floor "Sheriff Kohler is…" He sighed again and looked down at his feet.

"It has not even been two days since his death, Brother. Nobody would expect you to have already finished mourning for your lost friend."

"That's not it." Lukas's usually flat tone was laced with exasperation "He isn't lost. His ghost came to me the night after he died and he's been seducing me ever since. Even when I leave my bed and go out and public he still -" Lukas stopped, unwilling to go into detail "Anyways, it's not that it's not good. It's that it's TOO good and the addiction has made me unable to work or even sleep. He looked at Brother Kiku with a pleading expression. "Please help me."

"Oh my," replied Brother Kiku, who was now the color of the inside of a watermelon. "This sounds like something Brother Heracles would probably have a solution for. Please excuse me for a moment."

Lukas stood melting with embarrassment as Brother Kiku walked into the back of the shrine. He couldn't believe he'd just admitted as much as he did. The exhaustion and desperation must have been getting to him. Meanwhile Mathias, who had only kept his hands off Lukas during this expedition because he thought it'd be funny to watch the deputy explain the situation to the town priests, was rolling around on the shrine floor laughing hysterically.

"Oh I'm an addiction am I? Too good to resist? I'm going to remember that quote. Couldn't have worded it better myself."

Lukas refused to acknowledge the presence of his lover's ghost, silently seething while he waited for the priests to return. At last Brother Heracles emerged, a cat napping on top of his head and a small wooden box in his hands.

"Brother Kiku told me your situation. I think you'll find these useful," he handed the box to Lukas.

Lukas opened the box and looked inside. Within it were dozens of tube-shaped slips of silk fabric.

"What are these fo-oh no..." Lukas's face fell when he realized the purpose of the box's contents. "I didn't exactly-"

"Physical relations between humans and spirits can put a ghost at risk for spiritual illness," Brother Heracles explained "These have been enchanted to prevent the contamination of the spirit with the carnal desires if the living. Good luck." Brother Heracles patted Lukas on the back before returning to the other room.

Lukas thought that this was pretty much the least helpful help he'd ever received in his life. Mathias's ghost was shedding spiritual tears of hilarity.

"Ha ha! That's right Lukas! Don't contaminate me with your carnal desires, ha ha ha! Oh you are a _dirty boy_ Lukas. Hey, next time can you ask him if they have any of the flavored kind?"

**Page C: A slightly genre-savvy sheriff**

While the comb in Berwald's hands worked to untangle Cutie's mane, the sheriff's mind was in full operation trying to untangle his feelings.

_Th' blushing definitely isn't caused by heat exhaustion. Th' weather was chilly last night 'nd it was still givin' m' problems. It's definitely somethin' about Tino._

So now Berwald was trying to figure out whether or not his reactions to Tino were the work of the evil demon within. He _was_ the sheriff, after all. The demon may view it as beneficial to win the sympathies of the lawman so that it could avoid the death of a valuable host's body.

But Berwald didn't feel a smidgen of sympathy for the demon. In fact, the more he was around Tino the more anger Berwald felt at the demon for tormenting such a sweet and cute person.

So with the other possibilities eliminated, only one explanation remained.

_Guess this means 'm romantically attracted t' Tino_, Berwald concluded. The symptoms of blushing, increased heart rate and shaky knees struck back with a vengeance as soon as his brain had put this together.

_Nh,_ Berwald shook his head and set the comb back inside the wagon. He sat down on a nearby crate and sighed as Cutie glanced over at him curiously. _Calm down Berwald. Nothin' t' get excited about. This happens all th' time._

That said, it had never happened to Berwald before. And now it was happening with his deputy who was also his prisoner and a convicted serial killer and possessed with a homicidal evil spirit.

Berwald had read enough romance stories to realize that it'd be pointless to deny that his symptoms were indicative of an attraction of sorts. But he'd also read enough romance advice columns in the local paper to know that you didn't have to be in love with someone to be attracted to them.

_So 'm not in love with Tino, persay_. Berwald thought with some degree of relief. _I just fancy him. Yah, I fancy Tino, that's all. 'm not in love with him._

_Not yet anyways..._

**Page D: A man without a puffin**

A rebellious tear rolled down Emil's face as he sat on the edge of the mesa and scanned the desert sky with a pair of binoculars.

_Shouldn't take Big Brother seriously. He's sick after all. Lukas probably didn't mean it when he said earlier that Mr. Puffin was most likely dead._

Emil sniffled and set down the binoculars a moment in order to dry his eyes with his sleeve. It was bad enough thinking that Mr. Puffin had left forever. Though at least then Emil could picture him living happily with a family of puffins or something. But death? No, Emil just couldn't bring himself to accept the image of Mr. Puffin's dead body sprawled out on the desert sand, blood spilling out from a bullet hole in the middle of the bird's feathery chest.

_No!_ Emil placed the binoculars back on his eyes and started scanning the skies once again. He just knew Mr. Puffin was alive and out there somewhere. Somewhere, and probably closer than he thought.

**Page E: A patient suffering from severe demon possession**

Berwald's face was the first thing Tino saw after the darkness cleared. The sheriff's voice echoed slightly as his words reached Tino's tired ears.

"It's 'lright Tino. 'm sorry ya had t' go through that. Th' courts will officially recognize yer condition now. Ya won't have t' go through that again."

Tino was too dizzy and disoriented to put together words. Then he felt Berwald's warm, work-worn hands clearing the tears from his face and Tino became dizzy for a different reason entirely. This was a pleasant kind of dizzy, like the warm swirl of bubbles inside of a historically misplaced jacuzzi.

"Where are we again?" Tino asked as his vision cleared and he looked up into the sheriff's eyes.

The sheriff patted Tino on the back and offered him a hand "See yer still a tad confused. Come on Partner, let's get ya home so ya can rest."

_The scary attractive sheriff wants to take me home. I love to be alive! _Tino concluded as he held the sheriff's hand and stumbled to his feet. The Native American shaman approached them as they started walking towards the door.

"Does the evil spirit weaken when he's around?" the shaman asked.

It took Tino a moment to realize that the question was being directed at him. He shook off the dizziness and cleared his throat. "Ah, yah! Yah it does actually. It basically had complete control over me until the sheriff came along. When I stand next to him the crazy demon voice hardly has any power at all." Tino's face tinged pink at this confession. "Er, I guess the crazy voice is afraid to do jail time yah? Ha ha! Crazy things…"

The shaman nodded thoughtfully before removing one of the amulets around his neck.

"Here, take." He said to Berwald as he handed him a piece of unpolished quartz attached to a loop of cord. "Wear this and the power within the stone will increase. Give to the little one at times when you can not be at his side. It will provide him protection."

Without further explanation, the shaman left. Tino looked on in confusion as Berwald placed the cord around his own neck and started walking out the door again.

"I…ah, what just happened?"

"Not sure," Berwald replied as he led Tino over to the wagon. "But 'm not about t' reject any help. If there's a chance it'll make things easier for ya I'll give it a shot. Come along Cutie."

The sheriff untied the fluffy white pony before climbing into the wagon himself. "Oh, also-" Tino turned to look at Berwald as he fetched something from the back of the wagon "Here, got this while I was buying some sugar cubes for Cutie at th' General Store."

He handed Tino a small cloth-wrapped package before starting to drive the wagon forward. Tino untied the strings and watched the cloth fall away, revealing a block of cheese.

"Oh my! Is this for me?"

"Yah," Berwald confirmed "Since ya like cheese so much. It's not th' Finnish squeaky kind though."

"Ah, what? No, I like all types of cheese. Thank ya sheriff! This is too kind of ya. I feel bad, I didn't get ya anything." 

"How could ya? Ya were being investigated by an interfaith panel for demon possession."

"I-, well that's true. But, I mean, still. It's really thoughtful of ya! Thanks, this is really good."

"Mm. Glad ya like it," Berwald mumbled in response as he looked away in the other direction.

Tino nibbled silently on the cheese block for a bit as he tried to think of a good way of phrasing what he wanted to say.

"Y-ya know you're a really thoughtful guy Berwald. That's a really good trait to have for…being a husband and everything. I hope ya marry someone who appreciates how considerate ya ar-A-IHH!" Tino shrieked as Cutie stumbled off the side of the dirt road, nearly sending the both of them flying out of the wagon.

"M' bad. Sorry 'bout that," the sheriff apologized as he tightened his grip on the reins and steered Cutie back onto the road. "Forgive m'. Was getting' distracted."

"Oh, oh no! The fault is mine, I shouldn't have been talking. I should just stay quiet and let ya drive yah?"

"Nh, yer-…yer alright," Berwald muttered. Their eyes met for the shortest of seconds before they both quickly turned away, neither wanting the other to see how badly their face was burning with embarrassment.

_He must think I'm an idiot,_ the both of them thought with humiliation as they continued riding in silence on the dusty road back to town.

**Page F: A Native American creation story**

The universe is actually an ever-growing tapestry, started as a collaborative weaving project by the elemental spirits of Earth, Wind, Water and Fire. The four of them bound themselves to the strings of time and space and began threading together a wonderful world for animals and humans to live in.

Things went smoothly with the project until Wind started becoming restless. Feeling itself above a life of constant labor, it began to sever the strings that bound it to the tapestry. Invigorated by its new-found freedom of movement, Wind quickly decided to cut all the strings, abandoning the project completely in order to fly freely as it wished.

The problem was, aside from the tapestry being woven, all of everything else was literally a whole lot of nothing. An infinite amount of nothing, in fact. After a long time of going nowhere, Wind at last returned to the tapestry, finding it to be much larger and beautiful than before. Wind wanted very much to touch the intricate threadwork, but it flinched at the thought of being bound to it again.

_I will destroy it_, Wind thought with a smirk, because although it enjoyed looking at the tapestry, it had no attachment to the project and therefore felt no regret at the thought of destroying it.

Wind first attempted to sever the few threads attached to Water and Fire, but these two elements were flexible enough to dodge Wind's attacks and strike back. _Ah well, Earth then_, Wind thought to itself after it had coughed the water out of its lungs and recovered from its burns, for Earth had the most threads bound to it anyways, having tied itself to the loose strings left by Wind ages and ages ago.

So Wind attacked with all its might, knowing that Earth was tied up in far too many strings to dodge the blows or strike back. While Wind had been right in this account, it had failed to realize something very important.

The ties Earth had to the tapestry gave it strength, substance and resilience. True, Earth was incapable of dodging Wind's attacks, but such was the strength of the well-rooted Earth that no attack made by the Wind had any real effect. Wind angrily continued the one-sided battle, but its efforts yielded no results. The Wind was attached to nothing, lived for nothing, and therefore, essentially, was nothing. Never could that selfish, lonely spirit hope to obtain victory over the steadfast, loyal spirit of Earth.

At last, exhausted from ages of fruitless attacks, Wind realized that the power difference between itself and the Earth was too great to measure. Tired and terrified, Wind took off, and runs high in the air to this very day, fearful of the defeat it would suffer were it to land on the ground.

**Note to readers****: That's not actually a real Native American creation story. I just made it up. (Although many of you probably were able to just assume that, since misinformed portrayals of Native Americans are also a staple of Western stories.) Also, I personally have no idea whether or not enchanted condoms should be worn during human X ghost intercourse. Not sure if such relations are possible, actually. To be quite honest with ya'll, I don't even believe in ghosts. Lame of me, right? What can I say? I'm American. I only believe in "realistic" things, like aliens. XD Love all around!**

**(PS I can't decide if Tino's and Berwald's awkwardness makes me want to hug them or makes me want to bash my own face into the desk. Any input on that?)**


	13. Danger Greater Than Demons

_Is this chapter 100% fluff with no other purpose except for the sake of fluffiness itself?_

**Yes. Yes it is. **

_Can you skip it and basically be missing nothing plot-wise?_

**Most likely. **

_Then why the heckers do you post it GlitterTrails?_

**BECAUSE THIS IS FAN-F(REPRODUCING)-FICTION! Fluff is what this is all about! ****Yeah**** Suckah! BELIEVE IT! : PPPPP**

**( XD Love all around.)**

Tino himself, Berwald decided, was far more of a danger to the sheriff than the homicidal demon inside of him could ever be.

What had led Berwald to this conclusion? Well, it's like this. Night fell before they returned to town, but since they were only a couple hours away, the sheriff decided they might as well just keep going. This was all fine and well until Tino had drifted off to sleep and fell onto Berwald's shoulder. If Cutie hadn't been a smart pony the sheriff would've accidentally steered all of them into a cactus.

_Cute little public health hazard_, the sheriff noted as his eyes drifted away from the road every so often to momentarily focus on Tino. Was the moon shining on Tino's sweet, smiling face? Or was moonlight merely the satellite's reflection of the magical glow that radiated from Tino? Either way, it was a gorgeous sight to see and an incredibly bad distraction for the poor sleepy sheriff.

And then, things got worse (or better?). As the wagon wheeled around a sharp turn in the road, Tino's head slid off of Berwald's shoulder and fell onto the sheriff's lap.

Berwald lost his breath and dropped the reins out of shock. Cutie came to a stop and turned around with an inquiring gleam in her eyes. The flustered sheriff sat paralyzed as Tino settled his head onto Berwald's thigh and continued sleeping peacefully.

_Nh! W-what?! He's on m' leg. He's sleepin' on m' leg. Oh m' God his head is on m' lap. HIS HEAD IS ON M' LAP! OH GOD! OH SWEET JESUS 'ND VIRGIN MARY! WHAT IN TH' NAME OF HEAVEN 'ND EARTH?!_

It should be noted that while the sheriff's mind was screaming in panic, on the outside he was being completely silent and his face showed absolutely no emotion (except for the fact his cheeks were burning red like boiling magma. Thank goodness it was mostly dark).

_AHHHHHH! Nh, 'lright. Calm down Berwald. He's just sleepin'. He's asleep 'nd yer leg is right there...that's it. Just pick th' reins back up 'nd keep drivin' home, it'll all be-oh no what's he doin'?_

Tino lifted his arm up to rub his eyes a bit before setting his hand down on top of Berwald's thigh. The sheriff's eyes widened in shock as Tino started patting his leg like it was a pillow.

_I- this is...oh no_. The sheriff's head figuratively burst into flames as Tino's hand slid between the sheriff's knees and Tino's arm wrapped around his leg. Poor Berwald was suffering from all kinds of involuntary reactions as Tino clutched Berwald's thigh to his chest like it was some kind of muscle-y cushion.

_N-no...this...this is bad. This is __very__ bad. It may feel good but it's actually all kinds of bad 'nd sin 'nd everything. Need t' get him of m' lap. Need t' tell him t' wake up 'nd..._

But he couldn't. The sheriff couldn't bring himself to disturb that sleeping little angel resting peacefully on his lap. That bright, innocent smile... No. No, whatever sin it was to feel Tino this close to him, it was nowhere near as heinous a crime as disturbing that adorable state of peace his little angel was in.

_'m doomed_, the sheriff decided as he continued to remain immobilized in the middle of the dusty road while cuteness personified rested away happily on his lap, oblivious to the dilemma he was causing. _'m __so__ doomed, 'nd th' cutest, sweetest guy in th' world is th' one who will be th' doom of m'._


	14. The Dead And The Sleeping

**Twenty percent of this writer's personality sphere is controlled by a pillow-loving mopsy-eared fuzzy creature. We worry deeply about this particular twenty percent sometimes. Fluff content of the story always increases exponentially if he gets left alone with a keyboard.**

**Last chapter had the literary nutritional value of a powdered donut. This chapter is more like a literary Pop-Tart. Slightly more substantial, but still entirely too much sugar-fluff. ****And**** DenNor angst! Wahoo!**

**I think next chapter we'll start getting responsible again. Hopefully. Thanks for still reading and everything! I fully recognize that I am nothing without my awesome viewers and reviewers, and I really appreciate the support!**

**Ella: You want to see Sealand in this story? Hm, I admit I hadn't thought about it originally but I think I know a way for him to come in. Give me a few chapters to get to the right point and we'll add Peter to the crew. : )**

_Yer quite th' snuggler, aren't ya?_ thought Berwald as he carried Tino from the wagon into the house. Tino sleeping quirk #2: In addition to being an extremely heavy sleeper, the little guy also seemed to like to be hugging something when he was asleep. It'd taken quite a bit of effort to separate Tino from the sheriff's leg. As soon as Berwald had lifted the smaller man up into his arms so that he could move him back to the house Tino's arms wrapped around his neck and that sweet smiling face nestled into his shoulder.

_Trying t' turn m' into yer pillow or something?_ Then the sheriff stopped in his tracks and felt red rise to his face as he got mentally lost in the weirdest fantasy his mind had ever generated.

"_I hope ya don't mind that I'll need to borrow your town's sheriff for possibly the next forever or so."_

"_Yeah dude it's all good! We just got a smoke signal from Davy Crockett telling us that you permanently borrowing our sheriff is totally okay and everything."_

"_Ah thank ya! I really appreciate it," Tino replied with a smile as he pulled Berwald up over his shoulder and started walking away. He carried the sheriff up a staircase into the sky until they arrived at a rainbow-covered cloud._

_"Here we are! This is a super comfy cloud that I like to sleep on and stuff," Tino explained as he set Berwald down on the mass of rainbow fluff. "I've just needed a nice cushion to rest with, so ya get to be my pillow now!"_

_" 'm yer pillow?" Berwald repeated as Tino's head fell onto his chest and one of those perfect little hands started smoothing Berwald's shirt out like it was a pillowcase._

_"Yah! You're just a big cozy pillow that I love to snuggle a lot. So snugly..." Tino sighed as he patted Berwald on the face and gave him a small kiss on the forehead._

_All of the sheriff's nerve endings went fuzzy with a static electricity kind of a feeling as his memories of violence and gunfire and shooting-ness all melted away, leaving nothing left in the sheriff's mind but the warmth and contentment of the moment. All that was left in the universe was Tino, the rainbow cloud, and Berwald, who had now become 100% pillow-ified._

_I-...wait, what? _Berwald blinked back into reality._ M' mind is...does... Nh, doesn't usually do that. What happened t'-oh." _He realized that he was still standing in the middle of the house while cradling Tino in his arms. _Nh, need t' put ya down, yer making m' think of strange things._

Berwald gently pulled Tino off and placed him on the mattress. As soon as Berwald moved his arms away, Tino reached out and started feeling the space around him. After a minute of his hands searching unsuccessfully for something to hug, Tino'scontented smile turned into a worried frown and the smaller man started making a sad little squeaky noise.

_A-aww... _Berwald's heart melted as the pitiful sound reached his ears_. Can't let him cry like that. That's just sad. Hold on little guy, lemme find somethin' for ya to hold onto._

The sheriff glanced around and saw his own pillow propped up against the bedside table. He picked the overstuffed cushion up and placed it into Tino's outstretched arms. The sad squeaking abated as Tino hugged the pillow to his chest and curled himself around it like a little starfish clinging to a large rock.

_There ya go_, Berwald sighed with relief as he removed his shoes and laid down in the opposite side of the bed. It was good to see Tino's smile return. Berwald closed his eyes and found that his imaginary dream future was once again changing. Not only was Tino sitting in Berwald's wife's rocking chair, there were now giant cheese wheels scattered around the cornfield and the wheelbarrow out in the yard was now quite full of pillows.

_Suppose it's adjusting t' include things that he likes_, Berwald guessed as a giant Christmas tree sprouted out of the ground. The wacky little fellow may have finally let go of the sheriff's leg, but Tino's hold on the sheriff's heart was only growing stronger.

**And now for a different mood entirely...**

The fatigued junior deputy was finally able to catch a break when the ghost of Mathias decided to draw faces on the enchanted silk slips that Brother Heracles had given Lukas so that he could use them as finger puppets.

"Hey look at me! I'm the boring new sheriff who blinks less than a statue and parties less than a ship full of Puritan pilgrims!" said a silk slip with a face like Berwald's.

"AIH! I'm such a nervous little guy and for some reason I f(reproducing) love you!" shrieked a silk slip bearing the likeness of Tino "I wish I could be the one who gives birth to all your humorless babies!"

"Mathias-"

The ghost paused the puppet show to turn and face Lukas.

"-look, we need to have a serious discussion-"

"Oh is _that_ what you're calling it now," Mathias laughed as a predatory grin spread across his face "Alright my pet, let's _talk it over_..."

"Mathias, you need to let me out of this room. I haven't slept in two days. I've barely been able to eat anything. If you continue to imprison me like this I _will_ die."

"Ah fantastic! Then you'll be free of limitations just like I am. We could make love that will last an entire afterlife-time."

"Mathias I do _not_ want to die yet. My brother still needs me. You know how upset he still is about losing that puffin a few months back. If I died right now he would have nobody. My afterlife would be miserable if I knew I'd left my brother alone and unprotected. But that probably doesn't even matter to you, does it?"

Lukas turned away from him just as a stray tear started to slip out of his eye "It never did matter to you how I felt. I should've known you would never view me as anything more than a sex object. I give up. Do whatever you want. It doesn't matter anyways."

A long period of silence followed Lukas's words. Surprised by Mathias's lack of obnoxious response, Lukas turned back around to look at him, only to find that his lover's ghost had vanished from the room.

_Of course he would leave once things weren't fun for him anymore. That demanding, inconsiderate, obnoxious, controlling-..._

At last, Lukas let himself cry. Or at least he let himself do the Lukas version of crying, which was to make the same sort of flat expression that he always did while tears slid down his stony face. (Lukas was the only one who had ever come close to beating Sheriff Oxenstierna at poker.)

"That stupid b(illegitimate offspring). I really did love him."


	15. Just Doing My Job

" 'lright, tell m' when it's in."

"Not quite in yet. That's it, a little farther. There, perfect! Keep it right there."

"Ready for th' hammer?"

"Yah, I think so. I'll try to see if I can hold on better this time-HOLY LUTHERANISM! Ha ha, ah that may have been little too much force."

"Nh, 'm sorry. Keep forgetting that it's yer first time doin' this. 'll try t' be gentler."

"Ah no, it's alright! I've had an exciting time today. I had no idea we'd get to do anything like this as part of being the town law enforcement."

_There is no soul in the universe as tortured as I..._ bemoaned the demon as it futilely tried to block out the conversation that was happening outside. The evil spirit could say that it felt truly sorry now for possessing Tino. Not because the demon felt moral remorse for torturing a kind-hearted human being or anything, but rather because this was probably the dirtiest back and forth it'd ever heard in its long lonely existence.

_Before I possessed this fool the exchange probably would've sounded like two people working on a construction project. Now that the host has infected me with his sexually charged thinking patterns, it sounds like something worthy of the backroom of a brothel. This couldn't get any worse._

"Wow Sheriff, ya nailed that in really well!"

"Nh, thanks. Ya did great, by th' way. Ready for th' next one?"

"Yah! Just let me grab that wood down there real fast-"

_Ick, never mind. I retract my previous assertion._

Although Tino was the one who caught Gold Snatchin' Gilbert, he was still in debt to the town after killing twenty or so of its citizens. So the $100,000 reward went to the town, and Mayor Jones had took Sheriff Oxenstierna's suggestion to use the funds to build a new schoolhouse for the town's children. And since there was no crime on the streets to be attended to that day, the sheriff and head deputy had decided to begin work on the project themselves.

"So do ya always help people build stuff whenever ya have a crime free day?" Tino asked later that evening as he swept out the jail cells by the sheriff's office.

"Not always building things, but yah, try t' spend m' working hours doing something good for th' town," Berwald replied, his gaze still transfixed on the criminal files spread out on the desk in front of him.

"Ah, that's so good of ya. So hard working and ethical, I really like that in a man!"

"Nh, not really, just m' job," Berwald replied with a shrug as he pulled out a piece of paper and started writing out a list of steps. "Th' job of a lawman is t' keep th' peace. Most people are peaceful unless they're suffering in some way or another. Eliminate th' suffering, keep th' peace."

"Wow!" Tino's eyes sparkled with admiration "That's such a progressive way of looking at things. Ya really are a different kind of fellow…"

Berwald's pencil paused momentarily.

_I-is Tino trying t' hint that he fancies m'? I…um… Nh, 'm reading too much into it._ _Tino's just a kind fellow. Probably finds nice things t' say t' everyone._

Berwald resumed his writing and tried to suppress the rising wave of hope within him.

_...still though, in case he is...maybe I should say something back. Real subtle-like though, don't want t' scare him off._

"Yer th' best marksman in th' Western Hemisphere," Berwald mumbled, immediately blushing and looking away after he said it_. Nh! Why'd ya say that Berwald? That's not what ya say t' someone ya want t' be yer wife. Marksmanship skills are __not__ a romantic thing t' compliment somebody about._

"Hm. What was that?" Tino looked up from his sweeping and stared at him with large, innocent eyes.

"Nh, nothin, just talking t' m'self," Berwald looked back down at his papers, fighting the temptation to hide under his desk with embarrassment.

_"Yer th' cutest person 've ever seen."_

_"M' heart races when I see ya smile."_

_"Nobody so sweet should have t' suffer like ya have. 'll do whatever it takes t' set ya free."_

_"I wish I knew th' right questions t' get ya t' talk more t' me, because I want t' know everything about ya."_

_"Want t' be m' business partner in th' industry of family raising?"_

_Have all sorts of nice things in m' head t' say. A lot better than "Yer th' best marksman in th' Western Hemisphere" but...'m embarrassed..._

Berwald picked up his pencil again and continued writing. _Doesn't matter. Th' best way t' help Tino is t' work on getting th' bounty off his head. _

"So um, what are ya writing, if ya don't mind me asking?"

"A plan."

"A plan? What kind of plan?"

"Plan t' catch Captain Arthur, pirate of th' Sandy Seas."

"Captain Arthur? I don't ever remember hearing about him. Then again, thanks to the crazy demon voice I really don't remember much of anything. Ha ha! Anyways, who exactly is he?"

"He's this British fellow who sails around the desert in his magic boat 'nd raids unsuspecting wagon parties as they try t' make their way across th' harsh frontier."

"W-WHAT?!"

"Yah I know. Land sailing is definitely not an authorized use of a seafaring vessel. Not t' mention th' theivin', witchcraft, drunken misconduct 'nd everything else. $400,000 t' th' man who brings him in, alive or otherwise. That'd take a sizable chunk outta yer bounty."

"Oh holy moly! Yah it would! That's super wonderful, when can we start this plan?"

"Tonight, if ya want t'."

"Yes! Yes I do want to. Oh I'm so excited I can't wait to have my debt paid back. What's step 1 then?"

"Step 1-" Berwald set his pencil down and looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling "Is t' go drinking."


	16. The Love You Deserve

"It's not just that he was a bird with a bowtie that sat on my head! Mr. Puffin isn't something you can replace like a broken wagon wheel. You can't even begin to have the understandings about how I feel Lukas!"

Lukas sighed as his younger brother stormed down the hallway of their house in a huff.

_There went half a week's salary, he thought as he stared down at the yellow bird in his hand. I guess this is the thanks I get for trying to be a caring older brother._

Earlier that day, when they were down at the county courthouse copying down the information Sheriff Oxenstierna had requested about Captain Arthur, Lukas had noticed a "For Sale" sign next to a small yellow bird in a cage. The price had been high, but it was a highly trained head-bird, complete with awesome certifications and everything. For heavens sake, Lukas had even taken the time to make a little bow tie for it.

_Seems I can't make people happy no matter what I sacrifice_, Lukas lamented silently as he put the small yellow bird on his shoulder and walked into the kitchen. He switched on an oil lamp and then froze at the sight of the illuminated kitchen.

_It's like our cousin Ludwig came and cleaned it. The entire room is gleaming like the scales of herring as it leaps into the ocean sunrise_. Lukas then observed that there was a freshly baked buttercake sitting on the table. Next to the cake was a note in all-too-familiar handwriting that read:

_If you want a taste of something __really__ delicious, look in your bedroom. ; )_

"That stupid b(illegitimate child)," Lukas muttered, trying not to let a smile slip across his face "How can I help but love him?"

Mathias rolled onto his side and propped his head up against his arm, unable to keep himself from grinning as Lukas opened the bedroom door.

"Good evening gorgeous ma-mhpgrh..." Mathias was cut off mid-sentence as Lukas pushed him down onto the mattress and kissed him quiet.

"Forgive me," Lukas muttered after their faces pulled apart "Forgive my harsh words last night. I was wrong about-"

"No my pet," Mathias interrupted "The worst part about all that was you were right. I never did treat you well enough when I was alive. It would take an eternity for me to make up for all I've done to you. The good news is, I'm a dead guy now! I have all the eternities I need."

"Really Mathias, even you aren't that-" Lukas stopped as Mathias's gently pressed a finger to his lips.

"If you think that a free house cleaning and a butter cake is all the apology you deserve," Mathias whispered as he moved his finger away from Lukas's face and stared deep into those blue grey eyes "Then you have no idea how much you are worth, how beautiful you are, how deserving you are of love and respect."

Mathias watched with a bittersweet smile as those blue grey eyes he so loved filled with tears.

"Scoundrel," Lukas turned away and rubbed his eyes with his sleeve "Are you trying to make me feel sentimental and vulnerable so that I'll sleep with you again tonight?"

Mathias shook his head "The only tears I'd ever want to make you cry are tears of joy and pleasure, and someday, dear Lukas, I'll make sure your tears of joy and pleasure never again come to an end."

"I can't tell if that's a supposed to be a comforting assurance or an ominous threat," Lukas admitted as Mathias leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"It's a guarantee," Mathias replied with a smirk as he patted Lukas on the head and started walking towards the wall.

"Where are you going?"

"To fight crime, my dear!"

"You-...what?"

"I'm going to heroically fight crime as a way of improving my moral character so I can be more worthy of you!" he explained as that overly-confident smile began to return to his face "If you thought I was sexy as a scoundrel, Lukas, then just wait until you see me as a good guy! You won't be able to get enough of me," he laughed as he stepped halfway through the wall "Besides, I have a feeling Oxenstierna is going to do something stupid."

"Like what?"

"Like try and catch criminals without breaking any laws himself." Mathias laughed again as he stepped the rest of the way outdoors. "Such an amateur, ah he makes me laugh!"

Lukas sat on his bed blinking into the now silent darkness.

"I would be lying if I said that I understood what just happened."

"Oh and by the way!" Mathias added as his head popped down through the ceiling "You're a great big brother, I forgot to mention that. That brat kid may not be smart enough to realize it, but you are. Also, I'm just as sexy upside down, did you notice? Farewell my love!"

After a long while of staring at the spot where Mathias had just vanished from, Lukas slowly slipped under the covers and hugged the bed sheets close to his heart. For the first time in a long time, Lukas fell asleep trying to keep himself from smiling instead of trying to keep himself from tears.

_Stupid lovable b(illegitimate child)._ Lukas thought to himself as he peacefully drifted off to dreamland.


	17. Drinking Games

**:STORY PAUSE:**

**For this universe I would like you to temporarily forget about Nyotalia France and conjure up the following image in your brain.**

**Male France**

**Shave the stubble, apply scarlet lipstick.**

**Increase hair length by 30 centimeters, style hair into elaborate beehive. Add peacock feather to hairstyle.**

**Change clothing to a lacy red and black dress with a huge frilly skirt.**

**Keep physique the same, only make it look like France is wearing a very generous push-up bra.**

**Keep voice the same. Do not wonder why nobody in this universe questions this voice coming from a woman. Congratulations, you have met Francisa.**

**I do not know why saloon-girl-France shows up like this in my head, but I do not question it. Some characters just don't convert as predictably as others. Just accept it and keep moving forward.**

**:STORY RESUME:**

"Well well," Francisa giggled as the lawmen came through the saloon doors "Looks like we'll be having some delicious bar snacks to nibble on tonight, no?"

"Umm," Tino tugged nervously at his own collar and glanced up at the sheriff, who looked around the room before realizing that they were the ones she was addressing.

"Hm, don't think we have any," Berwald made a quick check of his vest pockets "Have these sugar cubes for m' pony. Not sure they'd make a good bar snacks."

Tino had to suppress a laugh. _Tee hee, Sheriff Oxenstierna is __so__ adorable!_

Ghost!Mathias had to suppress the urge to smash his head against the wall. _Oh man, Sheriff Oxenstierna is __so__ stupid!_

Francisa smirked and waved it off "Oh you straight-laced strong old sheriff. You are quite the hunk of meat, though I'm afraid you're a little too tough and stringy for my tastes though. Your little friend is a sweet pastry though," she gave Tino a wink before slipping back behind the counter. "Anything I can get for you boys?"

Tino squeaked and looked up nervously at the sheriff "Um, I just remembered that I'm worse than broke..."

"Nh, drinks are on m'. Have what ya like," Berwald replied as they both took a seat at the bar.

"Ya sure? I feel bad making ya-"

"Don't. Just part of a police investigation."

"A police investigation?" Francisa repeated as she set the mugs out in front of them "Why, you wouldn't be suspecting little old me of anything, would you now?"

Berwald shook his head "Yer not a suspect for anything. We need information on th' wanted criminal Captain Arthur."

Francisa flinched slightly at the mention of the name as she finished filling their glasses "Captain Arthur?" she recovered with a smile "Wanted criminal of ze Sandy Seas? Ha ha! Why would an innocent woman like myself know anything about ze likes of him?"

"Ya don't know anything about him?"

"Why of course not! Don't you know that I'm ze proper sort of French lady? I'm not some common consort for criminals."

"Hm," Sheriff Oxenstierna shrugged and took a sip of his drink " 'lright. Sorry t' bother ya then. Th' late Sheriff Kohler would often come in with tips from ya about th' whereabouts of outlaws. No offense meant."

"For the love of all Legos not yet invented!" Ghost!Mathias exclaimed with exasperation "Did you really think she gave them all to me for free? Oh of course you did, you naive...are you even listening?"

It was then that Mathias realized for the most part Lukas was the only one who could see or hear him. The cries of the dead fell silent on the sheriff's oblivious ears.

Francisa, realizing that she was not having a conversation with the most perceptive of people, but never one to miss out on the chance to separate normally law-abiding men when their money, decided to nudge the conversation back on track.

"Well you know, now that I think about it I may recall hearing a whisper or two about him tossed around..."

The sheriff, whose gaze had wandered over to Tino's flushed face, turned back towards her. "That so?"

"Why yes, now that I think about it I believe I may have heard a few rumors with his name attached. Of course, the memory is a little fuzzy, as you could imagine. Perhaps an extra dollar or two would help me remember a little more clearly..."

The sheriff stared at her blankly "How is that supposed to help ya remember things better?"

Francisa smiled and winked at him "I have a monetarily-motivated-memory, so to speak."

The sheriff stared at her some more. "Strange." He stated finally before finishing his drink and setting the mug down "Ya might want t' see a physician for that. Come on Tino."

The both of them slid out of their seats, Tino glancing nervously back and forth between the two of them, wondering if he should try to explain to the sheriff what was going on.

Berwald set a few coins on the counter "For th' drinks. Good evening t' ya Miss." The sheriff tipped his hat to her before walking out the door, leaving Francisa standing frozen with a puzzled frown and Ghost!Mathias repeatedly banging his face against the bar counter in frustration.


	18. Silent Persuasion

"What else should I have done? Should I have nailed up a sign that says "Police tips for sale"? How did somebody so dense ever become sheriff?" Francisa wondered aloud with annoyance as she scrubbed down the counter of a seemingly empty saloon.

"The handsome and competent Sheriff Kohler got shot, that's how," Mathias explained as he leaned against the counter "Though maybe my one mistake was setting up Oxenstierna to become sheriff after I died. I didn't do it on purpose, mind you. I just chose him because Emil was too young and immature at the time and I can't be around Lukas without wanting to get that man out of uniform." Mathias grinned and his eyes gleamed as he thought about his lover "I mean really, who can blame me though? He just has those come-hither bedroom eyes! God I love Lukas..."

Francisa continued scrubbing away silently at the counter. Mathias frowned and was about to ask her what he'd said to be ignored like that when he remembered that only Lukas seemed to be able to see or hear him.

"Ha ha! Silly me," Mathias shook his head and laughed sheepishly "I keep forgetting that detail. Ha ha, ah no worries though. I never in my life let these kinds of problems get me down, and I won't let them get me down in my afterlife either!"

Mathias accidentally nudged a bar stool out of the way as he pushed himself up from the counter, causing Francisa to jump and squeak in fright.

"I surrender!" she wailed. Her expression changed to a puzzled frown as she opened her eyes and looked around the room. "Eh? Is nobody there? Oh dear, my refined feminine brain must still be reeling from that frustrating conversation with the sheriff."

The rope and pulley system in Mathias's mind started to squeak into action. That's right, even though he couldn't change the fact that he was always invisible and silent to everyone who wasn't Lukas, he could, if he concentrated, control whether or not he passed through objects or was able to move them around.

"Oh yes..." Mathias smirked as he cracked his ghostly knuckles and started to piece together his sneaky plan to convince Francisa to give Berwald the information he needed.

At last Francisa had finished polishing the counter. She paused a moment to hustle in front of the back room mirror and readjust the peacock feather in her hair. When she returned to the saloon she looked down at her so recently scrubbed counter and screamed.

**Captain Arthur has been cheating on you for Mayor Jones.** The sentence had been finger-painted onto the counter with jet black ink. Also her ink bottle was floating in the air without explanation, but that detail was of little importance in relative comparison.

"ARTHUR?! Cheat on ME for that uncultured frontiersman?! No, I can not believe it!"

**Then it's the truth you're choosing not to believe, Francisa. **She watched the ink bottle bob around in the air as the black smudgy words appeared on the polished wooden surface. **The invisible eye sees all Francisa, and let me tell you, the last few times those two have gotten together Arthur rode that American bull until the break of dawn.**

Francisa stood open-mouthed and her blue eyes filled with tears. "How…how could he-?"

**After which they'd switch positions and then Major Jones would put canon holes in Arthur's ship until the sun went down again.**

"That filthy, ROTTEN!" Her heavily painted makeup was smudging as the tears started to fall faster down her face "And he didn't even invite me to make it a ménage a trois? I will tear that inconsiderate creep apart with my bare hands, no actually that would ruin my beautifully painted nails. WHERE IS THAT SHERIFF? I'll turn that smelly scone-baker Captain Arthur into the law _free of charge_!"

Mathias collapsed to his knees with laughter as Francisa hustled out the door as fast as her frilly skirt would let her. He had no idea whether or not there was any factual basis for what he'd written, or why people so readily trusted an invisible informant. But boy was he pleased with himself.

"Ha ha! Ah that was too priceless. You owe me one Oxenstierna! Oh man, I'm such a stud. I think that's enough heroism for one night, time to go back home. Hopefully Lukas is still awake. Then again," he turned and winked at the people beyond the fourth wall. "It may be just as alright if he isn't…"


	19. Kissable

_Obey my orders and you can soar above the earth upon cold arctic winds of darkness! Nothing can hold us back if we work together Tino._

Tino winced and put a hand to his head as he stumbled closer to Berwald. The sheriff seemed to take notice of the young man's discomfort.

"It botherin' ya?"

"Um, a little..." Tino admitted with some degree of embarrassment. "The amulet must be wearing off, I'm sorry about this."

"Nh, not yer fault," the sheriff stopped, removed the amulet from Tino's neck and returned it to his own "Best start recharging it for tomorrow then. Let's get ya home."

The sheriff took Tino's hand into his own, and the demon's rambling rant stopped.

_Gross. Not again_… it grumbled before returning to silence.

"That better?"

"Ah, yah! Yah this is a whole lot better," Tino gave Berwald a nervous smile as they continued walking along.

Part of Tino told the other part of Tino that he was slightly tipsy and that if he talked he would likely say more than he would deem wise were he sober. Unfortunately, that part of Tino was a bit too intoxicated to hear properly and decided to talk anyways.

"Yah, the demon voice really hates it when ya hold my hand. He always says something like 'Ew gross' and then goes completely silent. It's great! Holding hands with ya is the best, we should hold hands more often."

"Hm," the sheriff turned away from Tino and looked out at the starry night sky. The slightly-less intoxicated part of Tino's brain started to worry that maybe Tino had said too much when the sheriff quietly muttered "Sounds nice," in a voice so soft it was nearly drowned out by the gentle night breeze.

The intimate silence of the moment was broken by the distressed voice of Madame Francisa calling out from behind them.

"Sheriff! Sheriff!" the two men turned around at the sound of her voice "I just remembered a wagon load of information about that nasty, lousy, creep Captain Arthur that I will tell you right now free of-" she paused when she was close enough to see that their hands were linked together, and her eyes widened ever so slightly.

The sheriff seemed to notice her staring. "It's 'lright," he assured her as he tightened his hold on Tino's hand "Th' prisoner is secure. He's not gettin' loose even if he tries."

_Oh my_, the rosiness in Tino's face deepened. _That's some pretty good news!_

_That is __not__ some pretty good news_, the demon growled in a choked voice before hiding again.

"Ya said ya have information about Captain Arthur?"

"Oh, oui Sheriff!" she replied, shaking off the distraction "I have much information on that scummy, crummy excuse of a man and will gladly share it with you right now!"

" 'lright, let's go t' th' station then, so I can write down what ya tell m'."

Francisa nodded, carefully eyeing the two of them once more before following them back into town.

For the next hour or so Berwald took careful notes on what Francisa had to say about Captain Arthur, including information on his favorite hideouts, secret allies in the criminal underground and about how he was an unfaithful ruffian with bad teeth, and was only good for a "roll in the hay".

_Not too sure what she means by that,_ the sheriff thought as he wrote it down. _Roll in th' hay, is that a tactical maneuver for dodging sniper fire? Maybe I should ask Tino about it-_

Berwald's thought train was cut off as Tino's head once again fell onto his shoulder.

_Not again! Come on Tino, I can't be yer pillow right now, 'm trying t' save ya from life as an outlaw. Oh well. Suppose he can't control what he does when he's asleep._

"Aww…" Francisa giggled as she watched Tino wrap his arms around the sheriff's bicep and smile as he softly settled his head onto the sheriff's shoulder. "He is like a cuddly teddy bear that doesn't actually exist yet because Theodore Roosevelt hasn't been president."

"Nh. Think he's just…being a starfish or somethin'. Any more on Captain Arthur?"

Francisa shook her head "No, that is all I am afraid. Trust me, if I learn anything else I will be sure to tell you. Nobody wants to see that barbarian locked up more than I do!"

The sheriff thought this was a bit odd given that 2 hours ago she said she had no idea who Captain Arthur was, but he was too tired to think of an explanation for all that.

"Hee hee, your friend, he is ever such a dear." Francisa sighed as gazed across the bench at Tino "Look at that soft angelic face, I could just lean forward and kiss it-"

There was a sudden great flurry of movement, at the end of which Francisa sat confused one end of the table while Berwald protectively cradled a sleeping Tino in his arms at the other end.

"Yer home far from here Miss?"

"Eh, ah…no. No, it is just across the street."

"Then 'll be taking this one back t' get some sleep. Yer a good citizen for tellin' m' what ya did. Night Miss."

Berwald's heart was pounding as he stepped out with Tino into the cold, night air. His face was now the same color of scarlet as Francisa's dress.

It was a silly thing for him to have done.

_That was a silly thing for ya t' have done._ Berwald told himself as he started to walk back home.

Cognitively, the sheriff understood that Francisa had probably been joking and even if she hadn't been, Tino wouldn't have burst into flames or anything from a kiss on the face. So why this feeling? Why the anxiety, anger and paranoia?

_She doesn't know Tino,_ Berwald thought to himself._ She just thinks he's a handsome little guy with a cute face. Tino is more than that. Tino is caring 'nd kind. He's hopeful 'nd optimistic 'nd always lookin' for a way t' help. I always feel better about m'self after talking with him, 'nd he makes m' want t' be m' best self. 've only known him for a few days, but I know that there's a lot more that's good about him besides his external cuteness 'nd his ability t' snipe people outta existence. He's a man worthy of respect, 'nd it wouldn't have been respectful of her t' kiss him if she didn't appreciate everything that he was._

And so the sheriff spent the walk home trying to silently rationalize to himself how his reaction had not been that over the top, and that he'd acted based on sound, ethical principles and the like. It wasn't until they were both home and Tino was tucked cozily into bed that Berwald would admit to himself the real reason that he didn't want Francisa to kiss Tino.

_It's because __I__ want t' kiss Tino,_ Berwald thought with an odd mix of horror and resolution. _I want t' be th' only one who kisses Tino, 'nd I want him t' be th' only one who kisses m'._

Berwald looked across the bed at that angelic, peaceful smile. Such an innocent scene...

_He's a heavy sleeper,_ Berwald leaned ever so slightly closer to Tino. _Quick kiss on the cheek, just a small one, wouldn't wake him up..._

_No._

_Just a small one?_

_No._

_How about on th' forehead then? Would that be better?_

_No. Yer a coward 'nd a cheat, thinkin' ya can take advantage of him while he's asleep like that. What was all that ya were talking about respect just a while ago?_

_Hm, suppose yer right..._ Berwald sighed before lying down and turning to face the opposite direction. _Dangit, never had problems with self control before all this happened, though th' complaint seems rather weak considering he's th' one fighting with some kinda evil demon. He's a far better man then I am, a lot purer, 'nd a darn lot stronger..._

What the sheriff did not know, as he took his glasses off and closed his eyes, was the content of the dreams that were causing Tino to smile so sweetly in his sleep that night.

"_Nh, sorry Deputy Tino, th' law requires that I need t' do a strip search on ya now."_

_"Ah, it's quite alright. You know how happy I am to comply with the law!"_

_"In that case ya should probably know that th' law also requires ya t' do a strip search on m'."_

_"Oh yah! Now this is the type of justice I __like__ to be served. Ha ha ha!"_

**Alright valued readers, hope you've enjoyed the fluff and stuff. Because when the next chapter comes out THEN THINGS ARE GONNA GET BLOODY! XD**


	20. Intent To Kill

The guardsmen lowered their weapons once they realized that the approaching shape in the distance was a dark grey pony pulling an unmanned wagon towards the mine's entrance.

"Say Henry, that wagon has no driver in it!"

"Well that's a lucky break. Usually we have to off a few buggers before we steal their horses and confiscate their belongings! This saves us a step, don't it Scott?"

The grey pony trotted right up to the two men, stopping just a few feet shy of mine entrance and turning to look at the both of them.

"Look, she's a polite one she is! Good little mare," Harry slowly stepped forward and let the pony sniff his hand before coming closer and scratching her behind the ear. "A bit tiny, but better mannered than most beasts you find prancing around the continent. Help me get this wagon off her, will you Scott?"

A few minutes later they had detached the pony from the wagon and were now staring hungrily at the unopened boxes inside like coyotes eyeing a wounded buffalo.

"Look Harry! There's a letter in there."

"Great, we'll use it for fire kindling. Now let's see what's inside these here crates..."

"Hold on," Scott advised as he picked the letter up for a closer examination "I think this is the captain's handwriting!"

"You're joking me!" Harry leaned over to look for himself "Blimey, I suppose it is. Best go get one of the lads who can read then."

A few minutes later they'd retrieved William, who read the following letter to his eagerly listening fellow bandits.

Dear Filthy Scoundrels,

Inside these crates is some of the highest quality rum on this side of the Mississippi. Tomorrow I'm meeting with Sin Nombre Hombre and I want to make a decent impression so keep your bloody paws off of the expensive liquor. I'll give you the leftovers tomorrow night if I feel like it.

-Captain

William, Harry and Scott looked at each other and nodded, all of them immediately understanding what the obvious course of action was.

"HEY EVERYBODY! WE GOT UNTIL TOMORROW TO DRINK ALL THIS RUM BEFORE THE CAPTAIN COMES HERE AND SPANKS THE LOT OF US!"

Tino had to put a hand over his mouth to keep from giggling as he and Berwald watched the scene unfold from behind some brambly shrubs on top of a nearby cliff.

"Sh," Berwald gently patted him on the back "Settle down now. We'll be countin' on yer sharp shootin' skills in a bit."

"Sorry! I'm sorry. I'm focused," Tino wiped the tears from his eyes with his sleeve and tightened his grip on the Winchester. "I promise I'm actually focused. Okay, yah. I can do this. Whew! Alright, well this has been an interesting plan. Ya said Deputy Lukas was the one who thought it up?"

"He's th' one who told it t' m'," Berwald replied, intently watching the booze-chugging bandits below. "Said it was given t' him by "Th' Spirit of Inspiration", whatever that is."

"That's so crazy!" Tino whispered in amazement. And truly, the whole plan was rather insane.

Francisa, who had many..._spicy_...letters from Captain Arthur in her possession, had forged the letter in handwriting indistinguishable from the captain's own. Deputy Lukas, who had been willed Sheriff Kohler's vast liquor supply, donated the crates of rum to the cause. The "grey pony" down below was actually Cutie, who had thoroughly enjoyed rolling around in a pile of soot until her coat color was unrecognizable.

"So, would ya like me to start shooting them now?" Tino whispered "Since they're all gathered here and everything? We'd have them finished off a lot faster."

Berwald shook his head "It takes about an hour for alcohol t' metabolize. Reckon there are about thirty or so men altogether in th' area, if they're all sober when they detect us our odds are slim, even with yer skills 'nd th' high ground."

"Ah," Tino nodded, "I guess that makes sense. Although, if they're all stupid enough to drink the stuff then couldn't we have just poisoned them all?"

"These men know their liquor, they'd taste if somethin' was off. 'nd if th' first few t' drink started dropping dead then th' others would get suspicious 'nd come lookin' for us," he turned to Tino and raised an eyebrow "Kinda eager t' kill 'em, aren't ya?"

Tino turned a bit pale "Well, um...uh not really, I mean-..."

_Dang it!_ Tino's head fell in shame. _Maybe I am a cold-blooded killer after all. Was I always so focused on efficient killing? Maybe I was a public danger before I was possessed. Maybe there's a certain ruthlessness about me that just made it easy for the demon to take control-_

_NO. Absolutely not,_ the demon voice interrupted. _Trust me when I say that there is NOTHING about your personality that makes you the ideal host. You care too much about stupid things like human life and Christmas season __and__ YOU HARDLY STOP THINKING ABOUT MATING WITH THE SHERIFF!_

"That's an exaggeration!" Tino squeaked, before clasping a hand to his mouth. "I...not you Sheriff! I was talking to-"

The sheriff gently pried the Winchester out of Tino's grip and set it aside. Berwald took hold of Tino's shoulders and pulled them closer together. Then the sheriff leaned over and whispered something that nearly made Tino's heart stop.

" 'm going t' destroy ya someday."

Tino was so shocked and horrified by this statement that his scream of terror was too terrified to even leave his throat.

"Ya heard m'. Removing ya from th' face of th' planet won't be enough. 'm going t' erase ya from th' fabric of existence itself because ya don't even deserve t' exist as a dead man's memory."

Tears rose to Tino's eyes. _I-I deserve that! Oh God do I ever deserve that, after all the people I've hurt. And it's so bad, but the part that feels the worst is to learn that Berwald hates me. At least when he kills me maybe I'll get to die in his arms-_

" 'll never forgive ya for what ya put Tino through."

_I...wait, what?_

"The only reason ya aren't dead now is because I haven't found a way t' get rid of ya without hurting Tino. But be sure of this, demon, th' day I do is yer last day alive. "

A bright feeling of hope and warmth filled Tino's chest as the sheriff let go of the deputy's shoulders and handed him a handkerchief.

"Dry yer eyes, it'll be time soon."

Tino took the handkerchief and dabbed the tears away as the sheriff returned to watching the bandits down below.

_That, that was the most heartwarming death threat ever!_ Tino thought to himself. _He really does care for my well being…Could…could it be that maybe he cares for me the same way I care for him? Maybe? Maybe just a little?_

_Scum-spirit! Soil-spirit! MUD-spirit!_ hissed the demon in a trembling voice _You can't even __touch__ me, Berwald, filthy mud spirit of the Earth!_

**Whoops. Got my chapter forecast wrong. NEXT chapter things get bloody. ^-^ '**


	21. Sniper Mode

"It's time Tino. Take 'em down."

Tino nodded and closed his eyes. _Alright, activate sniper mode I guess._

**Sniper mode coming online. Please name mission allies.**

_Berwald and Cutie._

**Understood, will not fire at targets "tall, frightening sheriff" or "grey pony". Will fire at everything else. Sniper mode set for emergency shutdown at the detection of women or children. Conditions acceptable?**

_Yah, that works._

**Uploading conditions. Sniper mode is now online.**

When Tino opened his eyes there were large blue crosses hovering over Cutie and Berwald, labeling them as allies. The bandits however, had bright red cross-hairs centered on their heads that soon went grey as their brain matter splattered onto the stone walls.

Tino's sights stayed fixed on the mine entrance. In less than a minute five more bright red cross-hairs came stumbling out of the hideout. They had barely started screaming when their cross hair color changed to grey and a cloud of scarlet mist was thrown up into the evening air.

One of the reasons that having their enemy drunk was a good idea was so they could count on the "idiot mob mentality". The boozed up bandits would come running out looking for the source of commotion without stopping to think that it was not really wise to run towards the sound of gunfire.

Sure enough, hardly a minute had passed before a storm of bright red cross-hairs came stampeding out into the open.

Gunshot, red to grey, gunshot, red to grey-bright orange flash indicating enemy fire.

Calculating threat…

Enemy fire accuracy = low. Resume shooting. Red to grey, red to grey, no, flashing red/grey.

Wounded enemy = end suffering = turn to grey.

The plus side of this mode of thinking was that allowed for very fast reaction time and maximum accuracy. The down side was that it made superficial the scene of carnage and human death that was unfolding below. Tino's sense of humanity was put on "stand by", so to say.

There are two types of people who have such a fighting mode: extremely good people and extremely evil people. Extremely evil people don't acknowledge anybody as anything but an obstacle in the first place, so they are pretty much in this mode all the time. Extremely good people (like Tino) can use it to fight the battles necessary to protect the ones they love while maintaining the tenderness of their normal mindset in order to not become hardened and without compassion.

The problem is it temporarily shifts a good person's conscious moral compass to neutral, making the switch to evil much less of a jump. Tino's parasite demon was currently trying to take advantage of this fact, and in the back-most part of his mind Tino could feel the evil spirit reaching for the reigns of mental control.

_No ya don't._

Was that, Berwald's voice? A strong hand grabbed onto Tino's shoulder. Tino was still too zoned out in red-to-grey cross hair land to acknowledge it, but the demon wasn't. It made a chainsaw-like growl and scuttled back down into its demon-burrow, buying Tino enough time to put down the last of the bandits before returning back to his normal self again.

"Okay," Tino sighed as he lowered his weapon, blushing when he realized that Berwald's hand was on his shoulder. "Umm, heh, h-hello! Yah, that's 28 of the 32 we'd counted earlier, so now we only have four more to deal with when we get in there. Nice right?"

When he noticed that the sheriff wasn't responding, Tino turned to face him and screamed loudly enough to wake up everyone who had died within the last five centuries.

The sheriff stood looking forward with vacant, unblinking eyes while his blood rained down onto the pile of bullets lying at his feet. Several yards ahead was a group of four men standing frozen with fear as they stared down Berwald's miraculously still standing form.

_Pathetic. My sister could have deflected all of the bullets entirely-_ the demon noted as Berwald's eyes closed and the sheriff collapsed to the ground. _Not so much her spawn, it would seem. String-bound slut. Figures, only a mud-spirit would make love with something as weak as a human-_

But Tino didn't hear the evil spirit's bitter rant. Tino had vanished from the face of the earth, temporarily leaving a stone-hearted sniper in his place. Four red crosshairs fell to grey, and Tino returned, screaming again and exploding straight into tears as he fell on his knees by the sheriff's blood-soaked form.

_Oh please_, the demon sighed with exasperation. _Stop your screaming. He's not dead. If killing him was that easy I'd have done it a long time ago…_


	22. Evidence File 2

**Page A: The Semi-Bulletproof Sheriff**

"Not-not dead? Oh thank God. Wait, pulse check-" Tino grabbed Berwald's wrist, eyes pouring over with tears of relief as he confirmed that the sheriff was indeed alive "Alright, he has a pulse. He's not awake and he's bleeding heavily, but he's alive. Oh Berwald, what did they do to ya?"

Tino rolled the sheriff onto his back so that his face was off of the ground. He then yanked out the handkerchief from his vest pocket and tried to mop the blood and sand off of Berwald's face.

"What happened?" Tino wondered aloud as he cleared the bloody sand off of the sheriff's skin. "They were shooting at him but instead of gunshot wounds I see a whole bunch of tiny cuts-gah! It doesn't matter, I have to get his wounds cleaned out or he might get an infection! Is there any of that rum left around here somewhere?"

He ran over to where the corpses of Berwald's four assailants lay lifeless on the ground. After checking a couple of them he found one with a flask in his coat.

_Brandy-_ Tino determined as he unscrewed the lid and held it under his nose. _Yah, this'll work._

"Hold on Sheriff!" Tino cried as he ran back to Berwald's side "Stay with me, I promise a thousand times over that I'll take care of ya if you just stay with me."

He pulled away the tattered, blood-soaked remains of the sheriff's shirt, too panicked to be distracted by Berwald's handsomely sculpted, muscular torso. Tino then pulled off his own shirt, doused it with alcohol and proceeded to clean out the cuts covering the sheriff's body.

"Maybe it's a good thing you're not awake during this, yah?" Tino noted softly as he continued to tend to Berwald's wounds "I could imagine that this would really hurt if ya weren't asleep, and the last thing in the world I'd wish for ya is pain. Oh no, this is the opposite of what I wanted to happen to ya, I'm sorry sheriff!"

Tino sniffled as he held the bloody cloth over a particularly deep cut on the left side the sheriff's chest. The tears continued to pour down his face as he felt Berwald's heart beating. _Please don't stop. Please don't stop little blood-pumping-organ. Please keep him alive, please. I'll give my own heartbeat to you if that's what it takes, just please, __please__ keep beating so that death doesn't claim the terrifying man that I love._

He was also too panicked to internalize that this was a milestone moment of realization about his own feelings for the sheriff. Tino's thoughts were more directed on the present, and how he would give almost anything to have more brandy and clean cloth to patch up Berwald's injuries.

"NEEH-HEH HEH!" Tino jumped and his head spun around at the sound. Cutie stood behind him, mouthful of clothing scraps torn from the bodies below and her front hoof pushing forward another flask of brandy.

"Cutie! Oh smart pony! Good pony! You're amazing and wonderful and everything else," Tino smiled as he accepted the flask and pieces of cloth from her. "Thank ya so much girl! This should be more than enough I think. Since he only has injuries on his face and upper-body- wait, no never mind, they took some shots at his legs too. Then I better take off his…oh dear…"

**Page B: Stronghold of the Insubstantial**

At the poles of the planet where this is little warmth and little life, Fire is barely found, Water sleeps and Earth shivers too much to wield strong power. There Wind prevails, and the cold solitude fuels the bitterness it harbors towards its sister Earth and all of human kind.

Over time it absorbed the bitterness of mortal souls (for there was no shortage of that on the planet), and eventually gathered enough negative energy to make itself a counterfeit form. As it flew away from frozen hell, it swore that nothing would stop it from finding a way to damn all human souls to the same kind of eternal loveless cold.

**Page C: The Backstory of Oxenstierna Sr.**

Johan Oxenstierna's eighteenth birthday found him exhausted, sunburned and half-delusional as he swallowed mouthfuls of mud in a mini-oasis, trying to quench the stinging thirst that burned his throat. Since the age of fourteen he'd been searching for his twin sister Johanna, who left Sweden for America without telling anyone where she was going.

"Please," he mumbled to the vacant landscape as he collapsed into the warm, dusty dirt. "If m' sister lies dead then lead m' t' her grave. Until I find m' twin I can have no peace."

As soon as he'd spoken these words a line started to form across the surface of the ground. Johan blinked a couple of times before sitting up and realizing that the line was acting as a trail for him to follow.

With newfound energy he stumbled after the line as it paved its way across the God-forsaken desert wasteland. When he would trip and stumble the ground where he fell would feel cool and soft instead of warm and coarse. Puzzled but grateful, Johan followed the apparently magical trail for days until he reached a spot rolled flat by wagon-wheel tracks where an unmarked wooden cross stuck out of the sand.

"Johanna…" the young man whispered, tearless only because dehydration made him so. "M' god, had I not been led here I wouldn't have even known this was yer grave. Oh m' sister…"

Johan turned around to see that the trail was starting to sink back into the ground.

"Nh! Wait-" he took a handful of the dirt into his hands "Thank ya. Don't know who or what ya are, but thank ya. 'm reunited with m' sister now. M' gratitude is yers." He held the handful of dirt and held it close to his heart before setting it back down on the ground.

The next couple of days were extremely nonsensical. For one thing, he woke up the first morning to find that the shabby wooden cross over his sister's grave had been replaced by a polished heart-shaped stone. Then he went looking for water and stumbled onto a staircase leading to an underground cave filled with clear crystal streams.

_This_, he thought as he left the cave a day later to find that a large stone shelter had materialized by his sister's gravesite, _makes no sense_. But Johan was much more a man of action then a man of reflection, so he decided to take the small bag of corn kernels in his vest pocket and try planting a field next to his newfound home. Eventually though, the starvation got to him and he collapsed by the side of the stone shelter.

_Can't say I'm going t' die thirsty though_, Johan thought as he closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. _Wonder if I'll get t' thank th' angel of mercy who made m' last two days on the earth comfortable ones._

When Johan opened his eyes, tall stalks of corn now stood in the hopeless little field he'd just tried to plant.

"…What?" the young man blinked and then turned to the side and saw something a lot more surprising than corn stalks. A radiant, copper-skinned woman sat next to him, her knee-length obsidian-colored hair flowing around her like shimmering waterfalls. She looked at him with large opal eyes that were truly other-worldly.

He was so transfixed that it took him an entire minute to realize that the voluptuous beauty sitting next to him was wearing nothing but a bright smile.

"Erm-" the young man's eyes widened and his sunburned face grew redder still "Pardon m' Miss, didn't mean t'-"

"I love you, loyal human-man!" she exclaimed cheerfully as she reached forward and pulled him into her arms. "You are a very good human. Your heart is true and you have a determined spirit!"

_I've heard of mostly dead people having hallucinations before. _Johan thought to himself as she clutched his face to her chest. _Hope th' ones m' sister had were as good as this one._

"I love all humans so I take care of them," she explained as she gently brushed the sand off of his face "I love all humans. But I have never been in love with a human. I have never been in love with anybody, not even a squirrel, which is my favorite animal. You are not a squirrel but I am in love with you, loyal human-man!"

'_m so confused…_thought Johan as the cheerful beauty kissed him on the cheek and held him close to her soft, curvaceous form. But this was the kind of confusion, Johan decided, that he was alright with having.

**Thank you again for all the reviews and support you wonderful, fabulous readers! I hope things with the plot are becoming clearer now. Please feel free to let me know if there is something I need to explain more clearly and I will do my best to make the story easier to understand (because good writers do not make things unclear or unfriendly to the readers, and I want to do my best to be a good writer for you guys). : D**


	23. Spirit

_Quickly now with the blanket Tino. Come on, quickly...__**Holy hate**__! Just pull the blanket-oh good finally. Now just set the blanket down-no! No, do NOT let your eyes wander to his "perfectly sculpted pectorals". Just release the fabric from your fingers-yes very good. Whew, no longer are my eyes assaulted with that horrible sight._

The demon of course, was none too thrilled at the idea of Tino administering first aid to the sheriff in the first place. His approval rating of the action fell even further when Tino deemed it necessary to remove the sheriff's trousers in order to properly clean out the wounds on Berwald's legs.

_It's no use,_ the demon lamented remorsefully as Tino hooked Cutie up to the wagon and started to lead the three of them into the abandoned mine. _The blanket may be shielding me from further damage, but my mind is forever defiled with the dreadful memory of the sheriff's nearly-naked body. Tino, you imbecile, was it __really__ necessary for your gaze to linger that long at the front of his under-drawers? The gunshot wounds were on his __thighs__, not that I'm really a fan of your fantasies about the sheriff's thighs either._

There were only two redeeming things about the day for the demon. The first was that Tino had just harvested thirty two souls for him without the demon even having to ask him to. The second was that the mine they were entering was cold and eerie, and instilling much terror in the heart of his fragile host.

_Ah fear, delicious, delicious fear_... the demon grinned. He'd lost count of the number of human ties that had been severed as the result of overbearing fear. Friends betrayed, pregnant wives abandoned, neighbors burned at the stake...ah, the destructive potential of fear had no end!

"Eeep!" Tino jumped at the sound of a noise in the distance "What was that?" His jittery host glanced nervously around the cave and Cutie snorted and dug at the ground with her front hoof.

_What is this?_ The demon watched on with interest. _Another soul that Tino will harvest for me? _

"Ah, looks like it was nothing after all. Just me imagining noises. Ha ha ha, silly of me, yah Cutie?"

_**Dang it**__ Tino! Don't get my hopes up like that!_ The evil spirit huffed in annoyance. _It's like dangling meat in front of a caged coyote-_

"If you take one more step I'm going to chop off your bloody face!"

_Oh there IS a soul in the vicinity!_ The demon eagerly looked onward as the figure emerged from the shadows. _Sounds like a fiery soul too. Excellent. The more spirited a spirit is the better fuel it will be when it's assimilated into my final-_

Then the figure stepped into the light and the evil spirit froze in shock.

_What the f(reproduce)?_

It was shaped like a whelp human, no more than six years of age, armed with only a wooden saber and made out of…

…sand?

Tino was equally confused by this detail, but the confusion was mixed with feelings of endearment. After all, the thing may have been made out of sand, but it was still a cute little kid.

"Well hi there!" Tino lowered his weapon and smiled at the youngling "I'm Deputy Väinämöinen, and resting in the back of the wagon is Sheriff Oxenstierna. I can understand why you're feeling frightened, but let me assure ya that the bad men who were keeping ya in this cave won't be bothering-"

"I'm not frightened!" the child interrupted "I'm the strongest bloody pirate in the whole world. Take that! And that!"

"Umm…" Tino stood at a loss of words as the kid tried whacking at his stomach with the toy sword "Tee hee, hey that tickles! Hey look, I think we're on the same side. Ya see we're here to find the locator device that will lead us to Captain Arthur-"

"You're trying to find Captain Arthur?" the boy stopped hitting Tino with a sword. "What for?"

"Um, to put him in prison so that he doesn't attack-"

"You are on my side!" the boy jumped up and down excitedly "Oh this is so bloody good! We'll all catch Captain Arthur together and then he will have to say that I'm a real pirate. He'll have to because then he'll see how strong I am and he won't think I'm just a pest anymore!"

"Ah, well-" Tino paused, thinking there was much more that he should be knowing about the situation than he did. "I think there might be-"

"Come on!" the boy took Tino by the hand "I'll show you the secret hideout base in my room where we can all come up with the best plan to catch him. And then I can show you all the amazing pictures I drew. Come on, let's go!"

"Oh, um, yah okay! That sounds good." Tino let the child lead him further down the mine, hoping that wherever he was going the locator would also be. "Although, I didn't get your name-"

"My name is Peter Kirkland!" the child replied with a bright grin "And I'm going to grow up to be the strongest, biggest, bestest pirate there ever was!"


	24. Greatest Mistake

Dear Diary,

Those yankees won't know what hit them! After months of gathering enough scrap wood I have finally constructed a bloody good seaworthy vessel. None of these uncultured colonists will be expecting to be raided by a pirate ship when there's not even any water around! Now if I could just get it to move...

...

Dear Diary,

Tried to get the ship to move by having my friend Uni pull it around. This was working fairly well until she accidentally impaled my first mate while charging forward. I believe a new approach is needed. Also, I really should give this ship a name at some point.

...

Dear Diary,

When in doubt, solve the problem with black magic. It occurred to me that I didn't need the ship to move through the sand, I just needed it to move. So it came to me that I could have the sand carry around the ship for me. A few inverted pentagrams and sky-clad dances later, I've done it! I have successfully cast a spell that has given me control of the very sands of the desert sea. Never before has a man had such mastery of the ground beneath his feet.

(P.S. The ship's name is Alfred-ette.)

Berwald scowled at the book with a bland expression of cold displeasure. Granted he always made that expression, even when he was gazing adoringly at Tino or waking up confused as to why he was nearly naked and smelling like brandy. This time though, the expression matched his internal feelings.

_Heresy__! God made th' earth for mankind t' shelter themselves 'nd others, not for ya t' control through witchcraft t' serve yer own greed. _

_Also, God did not teach man t' make boats t' use for sand-sailing. Th' only one who He told t' build a boat on land was Noah, 'nd that was only because He was going send th' flood. _

_Finally, Alfred-ette is a terrible name for a boat. This pirate is in for a good clock on th' head with a Bible when I catch him._

Amazingly, this was far from the worst thing Berwald was going to read about Captain Arthur.

Dear Diary,

I no longer control every grain of sand in the desert, and it is my fault. I was trying to create an heir from the quartz particles under my control. I was hoping for a strong and levelheaded young man who would grow to be even more cunning than I was. Instead, I got an annoying little rascal named Peter Kirkland.

Aside from our same attractive bushy eyebrows, he has no attributes of value. He's not worth the energy expenditure it would take to summon him a body of flesh and blood. He's not even worth the energy expenditure it would take to banish his bothersome soul to the Netherworld. Instead I will lock him away inside of my heavily-guarded mine hideout that way my enemies can't use my life's greatest mistake to track me down-

Berwald closed the book, and then looked over to where Captain Arthur's greatest mistake was drawing pictures with Tino.

"Look Tino! I drew you and your pony and your scary sheriff friend inside of my pirate ship. I'm the really tall fellow carrying the pirate ship around, because I'll be super giant when I grow up."

"Ah, I see! Although I have to ask, why are ya carrying us all around?"

"Because you're all a nice lot! I don't want to accidentally step on you. I'll just keep you all close to me so that we can be chums."

"Aww…what a sweet little boy ya are!"

"I am not a sweet little boy! I am a fearsome bloody pirate! Also, your pony looks really cute. Is it alright if I pet her?"

_Mistake? He was yer only success. Ya abandoned him, ya compassion-less monster with no sense of human attachment!_

For some reason or another, the walls of the underground room began to shake. Dust and small chunks of stone filled the air as Tino and Peter started shrieking in terror.

_Oh m' God, no no no. Not an earthquake, not with these two down here._

In less than a minute the tremors had ceased, but not before Tino and Peter came running into the sheriff's arms with tears streaming down their faces. After he'd blinked the dust out of his eyes, Berwald's heart liquefied at the sight in front of him. Tino was huddling as close as he could to Berwald's chest, still shaking slightly as he held Peter, who clung to Tino's shoulder while covering the deputy's shirt with his sandy tears.

_Didn't know it was possible to have yer arms around so much cuteness at once._

"Everyone alright? Know that was probably frightening for ya."

"Mm-hm!" sobbed Tino as he curled up closer to Berwald and snuggled his face into the sheriff's still mostly-bare chest. "Yah I'll be fine. I'm just a little fragile, ya know. Heh."

"I wasn't frightened!" sniffled Peter as he rubbed his eyes and looked away "Not at all! I just, didn't want Tino to be frightened, that was all!"

"Hm," Berwald smiled internally as the two of them remained safely wrapped in his arms. Would this be a nice way to live? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be the protector of an adorable fellow like Tino and a precious child like Peter? Wouldn't it be the best if they could all stay and live together just like...just like a...

_,,,just like a family._

_Entering strategy mode. Synthesizing plan._

_Plan outlined. Initiate-_

"Did ya say ya wanted t' be a pirate Son?"

"That's right," Peter replied as he looked back up at Berwald "And I'm going to be one, even though the captain says I'm not 'pirate material'."

"He's right."

"Wha-what!?" the child narrowed his eyes with indignant rage. "I beg your pardon, but who are YOU to tell me I'm not pirate material?"

" 'm Sheriff Oxenstierna, 'nd the pirating industry would be a waste of yer incredible potential. Have ya ever considered a career in law enforcement?"


	25. Pirates or Parents?

**Warning: Sappy family-fluff ahead. Those with allergies to dairy should be wary of the upcoming cheesiness.**

**Also, you viewers are the stuffed-crust to my extra large pizza! Thanks for the reads and reviews! Love all around : )**

"Waste? What do you know about pirates anyways?"

"Pirates take th' easy way out. They're thieves 'nd murderers. They steal because they're too weak 'nd lazy to work for things themselves, 'nd they murder because they're too stupid t' develop conflict resolution skills. Are ya weak, lazy 'nd stupid?"

"No!" Peter asserted "I'm not at all weak, lazy or stupid! I'm strong, hard-working and bloody clever!"

"That's what I thought. Sounds like yer law enforcement material."

"But what do you even _do_?"

"We use our strength t' protect innocent civilians, work hard t' keep th' peace 'nd use our wits t' bring enemies of th' public t' justice."

Peter's forehead scrunched up as he considered this information "Do you get to use guns?"

"Course."

"Do you get to collect treasure?"

Berwald shook his head "No treasure. We do have shiny badges though."

"Can I see?"

"Mmhm," Berwald reached into the wagon and pulled his badge off of his bloodstained vest before handing it to Peter, who immediately began a thorough examination.

"I suppose that's shiny enough," Peter conceded as he handed it back to the sheriff "What would I do? Would I get to do spy missions?"

"Yah. A large part of yer job would be going undercover at th' town schoolhouse as a normal student. Think ya would be clever enough t' blend in?"

"Of course, I'm super clever! What else do I do? Do I shoot stuff?"

"Yah, you'd do daily training with Tino where ya would practice shooting for an hour."

"Wait, wh-?"

Tino's inquiry was cut off by Peter's cheering.

"Hooray! That's marvelous. Will you train me too?"

"Yah, 'll be training ya t' read-"

"Oh bugger, that's not fun."

"- 'nd write, so ya can write stories about shooting guns."

"Alright, _that_ sounds like fun."

"Part of your strict training schedule is that ya have t' go t' bed when yer told."

"And ya have to hug us both before ya go to bed," Tino added.

"Wait, does that mean I would be living with you two?"

"Yah," Berwald confirmed "Ya would. Are th' work conditions acceptable to ya?"

"Hmm..." Peter stood up and paced around the room, stopping in front of his collection of drawings, looking back and forth between the picture of him next to Captain Arthur on the ship and the picture of him holding hands with Berwald and Tino.

"You won't abandon me," Peter whispered as he gently touched the drawing he made of Captain Arthur "Or tell me that I'm worthless, will you?"

"What?!" Tino cried with horror at the thought "No, never Peter! Never!"

"Absolutely not," Berwald confirmed as he struggled to his feet and woozily walked over to where the small child stood "If we had t' leave for an assignment we'd put ya in th' care of trusted friends, 'nd we would always come back for ya."

"And you wouldn't call me worthless?"

"No, 'cause yer not. Yer a worthwhile person, 'nd ya deserve t' be treated as such."

Peter put his hands to his face and sniffled "That's-that's the first time someone said that to me!"

As Peter shuddered with quiet tears, Tino broke down into hysterical sobbing. The sheriff's eyes were dry, but his heart stung with anger and sadness. He was about to put a reassuring hand on the child's shoulder when the boy turned around and looked him right in the eye.

"I'll do it!" Peter proclaimed boldly as he stuck out his hand.

Berwald returned his gaze and shook the Peter's hand "Welcome t' th' team Son."

"Oh you're going to be living with us!" Tino beamed through his tears as he hugged Peter and patted the child on his sandy head "I'm so happy! I've always thought it'd be so fun to have a child living with me."

"I am NOT a child, I'm a law enforcement-er!"

"Ah, right, sorry sorry, my mistake."

"It's alright. By the way, can you sing me a lullaby every night?"

"Aww! Yah of course I can."

_Cute..._ Berwald thought as he slid back onto the floor. Happy as the sheriff was, all the blood loss had left him weak and tired. Tino seemed to notice, as he paused his conversation with Peter and looked over with concern.

"Sheriff? Ya look like of pale."

"Nh, 'll live."

"Does he need food? I know where to find some!" Peter stood up "Hold on really fast Sheriff! I'll be back as soon as I can!"

After Peter ran out the door, Tino brought over a blanket and gently laid it across the sheriff's shivering form.

"Sheriff?"

"Yah?"

"Did ya just adopt that boy as our child while making him think it was a job?"

Tino could've sworn he saw the smallest of smiles flicker across the sheriff's face "Suppose ya could say that."

"That was really clever! Thank ya for doing that. I, I wanted to ask him to live with but I didn't know a way to get him to agree. I didn't know ya were so good with kids."

"Hm," Berwald closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall "Always wanted t' be a father."

There was near silence for about a minute, the only noise being Peter's far off footsteps echoing off of the mine walls.

"Sheriff?"

"Mmhm?"

"Can we make that pirate pay for abandoning our sweet little Peter?"

"Planning on it."

"Oh good! Because, um, I find that I kind of hate him. The captain, I mean."

"M' too."

"Did anything ya read give ya ideas about the locator device?"

Berwald shook his head. "Have t' read more I guess. We'll find the captain though. 'm not resting until we do."

"That's marvelous!" Peter commented as he walked in with a crate of beef jerky "Do you think when we find him you could get him to make my belly button go back to normal?"

"Yer...belly button?" the sheriff clarified as Tino worked to open the crate.

"Yeah, it used to be normal when I was on the ship with the captain, but ever since he left here it keeps moving around. Went back to normal once when he came back to get some things, but then when he left my belly button just went all over the place again."

"What?!" Tino's eyes widened with alarm. "I'm pretty sure belly buttons are not supposed to do that!"

"Hmm..." for some reason, a certain passage of Captain Arthur's diary came back to Berwald's remembrance.

_...lock him away inside of my heavily-guarded mine hideout that way my enemies can't use my life's greatest mistake to track me down._

_...track me down._

_Hmm..._

"Think I found th' locator device," Berwald mentioned suddenly.

"Yah did?" Tino looked over at him curiously.

"Really? That's bloody excellent!" Peter glanced around the many shelves in the room "What is it? What does it look like?"

"Looks a lot like Peter Kirkland."


	26. Hot for You

"Are you REALLY going to use dynamite?" Peter asked excitedly as he watched Berwald cover the explosive bundle under a thin layer of sand "This is ever so exciting! Can I be the one to light it?"

"No."

"But why? I want to help!"

"Ya _have_ helped," the sheriff assured him as he finished the thin camouflage coating "Without yer belly button navigation system we would've never been able t' figure out where th' captain was."

"Yes but I want to do something _besides_ that!"

"Ya will. It's yer job t' watch Cutie 'nd tell her t' go back t' town if m' and Tino don't make it."

"But I want the job of lighting the dynamite!" Peter whined "Why can't I do it?"

"Because," the sheriff explained as he scooped Peter up and carried him over to the wagon "Yer too valuable. Like ya too much t' risk yer life like that."

Peter crossed his arms and turned away in a huff, though Berwald could see an ill-concealed smile on the child's face "Fine. I'll stay in the wagon."

"Ya better," Berwald set him down on the front seat of the wagon "Or 'm going t' let Tino dress ya th' way he was talking about last night."

"Oh no! Not the frilly lace collar! You two can really be a bother sometimes, you know that right?"

Berwald smirked internally as he turned away and walked back to the explosive trap he was assembling. He'd read that Captain Arthur had put a protective "bubble" spell around the top and sides of his ship, which meant they couldn't just have Tino start sniping at them from above. The bottom of the ship, however, was unprotected.

That's where the dynamite came in.

Berwald took the length of rope and started uncoiling it. They were presently positioned in a narrow pass between two tall rock cliffs. The plan was to light the dynamite so it would explode just as the ship was passing over it. The giant flaming hole in the bottom of the vessel would disrupt the protective bubble spell and make it possible for Tino to start sniping at what was left of the crew members.

The sheriff pulled out an old battered pocket watch and checked the time. They'd used the information in the hideout library to determine the ship's average velocity and were able to calculate the exact minute Captain Arthur would sail through.

_Ya messed with th' wrong man's son, Pirate _thought the sheriff as the approaching sand cloud came into view and he lit the rope leading to the pile of dynamite.

Meanwhile, in the captain's quarters...

"Would you care for more tea, Alfred-darling?" Captain Arthur asked the oil painting of Mayor Jones that he'd set on the chair across from him.

Oil painting: …

"Now really Dearie, you musn't drink so quickly! Oh you ruggedly handsome uncultured rogue..." Arthur sighed and gazed deeply into the American portrait's eyes. "Tell me you love me, won't you Freddie?"

Oil painting: ...

"How kind of you to say that the only thing more delicious than my cooking is my handsome unclothed form. Freddie, you know that there's nothing I like better than to make it hot for you-BLOODY CRUMPETS!" yelped Arthur as he dodged the ascending fireball and pulled his saber off the wall. "I don't know what ruffians just interrupted my teatime with a massive explosion, but rest assured that it is the last thing they will _ever _interrupt in their soon-to-end lives!"


	27. Scrambled Pancakes of Power

The vessel veered off to the side as a large fireball tore through the stern of the ship. Tino watched as the glimmer of the bubble shield in the sunlight melted away and alarmed crewmen started spilling out onto the top deck like angry red ants.

**Sniper mode coming online. Please name mission allies.**

_Berwald, Cutie and Peter._

**Understood. Will not fire at targets "father of Tino's babies", "white pony" or "adorable child-shaped sand castle". Will fire at everything else. Sniper mode set for emergency shutdown at the detection of women or children. Conditions acceptable?**

_Almost. We want to bring Captain Arthur in alive._

**Is it acceptable to non-fatally injure target "crazy British desert pirate"?**

_Absolutely._

**Uploading specified conditions. Sniper mode is now online.**

Bright red cross hairs blossomed across Tino's field of vision. Like glass bottles the ship's crew started crashing to the ground, grey cross hairs piling up in bloody heaps in the top deck. Tino's ears didn't pick up the screams, nor did his nose pick up the sharp sting of gun smoke. All other senses and feeling were out, the world was nothing but red and grey cross hairs.

And then a blue cross.

_Berwald..._

**Losing connection with sniper mode. Re-stabilizing...**

_Destroy__ that filthy half-ling born of a mud spirit and humankind is ours from the taking!_

**Conditions updated. Will now fire at target "mud spirit spawn" and then eat twelve herring pancakes.**

Tino screamed and threw down his Winchester, kicking it off the side of the cliff before falling to his knees and clasping his hands to his ears.

_Shut down! Shut down sniper mode __immediately__!_

**Negative. Username:Tino0612 no longer has administrator status. Username:HerringLover is now the system administrator.**

"NO!" Tino shouted before collapsing to the dusty ground, hands clawing at the dirt as he and the demon spirit wrestled for control.

Meanwhile, Berwald had interpreted the cessation of gunfire to mean that Tino had cleared the top deck. Volcanic in hand, he emerged from his hiding place behind the rock and stepped onto the vessel, dodging a bullet before ducking behind a pile of crates and taking down two crew members with a shot to the head.

_M' ancestors were Vikings. Ya pirates really thought ya had a chance?_ Berwald gave the corpses a brief look of pity before starting to descend the stairs to the deck below.

"NO!"

"Tino," Berwald's gaze swung around and caught a glimpse of a bright green light burst on the cliff top.

_Oh no._

The sheriff bolted back up the stairs and ran to the starboard side of the ship. _Th' demon. Dang. 'm an idiot. Forget th' mission. Got t' help Tino._

Berwald reached forward and was about to take hold of the rock face when something snaked around his wrists and yanked him back aboard.

Captain Arthur sniffed indignantly as he the magically directed the ropes to bind the intruder to the foremast.

"You have caused severe damage to my ship, slaughtered most of my crew and interrupted my moderately intimate tea time with an oil painting of my unrequited love. I would be most interested to know what you have to say for yourself."

"Vikings are still better than pirates."

"If you will not be serious with me then I will kill you this instant and use your blood to paint a picture of the Jolly Rancher."

"If ya don't give Peter a normal body you'll be beggin' m' t' kill ya by th' end of it."

"Peter…" Captain Arthur stared at the sheriff very intently for a few moments before turning his head to the side with a befuddled expression on his face "Who is Peter?"

Berwald's eyes narrowed with animosity "Yer son?"

"Oh that one. Oh _God_ you've met HIM?!" Captain Arthur face-palmed himself "I'm so stupid, of course someone would find him and get him to lead them to me. I should've just banished him back to the Nether-"

Arthur's rant was interrupted by the sound of the Earth's crust tearing at the seams. The ground started rippling like a curtain being blown in the breeze as the sheriff's eyes started burn like molten iron.

"W-what?!" Arthur stammered as he started backing away. "What the bloody heck is going on? I don't understand why-"

That was when the sheriff was temporarily replaced by a very voluptuous Native American woman.

**Dear Valued Readers,**

**Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.**

**With Love and Gratitude,**

**GlitterTrails**


	28. Saved By A Song

"Alright," Captain Arthur threw his sword down "That's it. That is the weirdest bloody thing I've ever seen in my life. I surrender, now can you just tell me what's going-GACGKKH!" A strand of her long, black hair wrapped around Captain Arthur's neck and nearly choked him.

"I love all humans, but you are not a human anymore. Humans care for their family. You forgot your own child, your only child." There was an undertone of sadness in her angry voice "You are a bad, bad person. I will end you before you hurt another human that I love."

Captain Arthur turned blue in the face as the hold around his neck became tighter. Just as his vision was starting to black out, a chainsaw-like growl sounded from the cliff top and redirected the woman's attention.

"Brother?" she released her hold on Captain Arthur's neck and ascended up to the top of the foremast. "BROTHER! Stop hurting my son's love!"

Something that resembled Tino with glowing green eyes and black wings protruding from his back flew to the edge of the cliff and grinned evilly down at his sister. "Human-loving whore! You can do nothing against me, Sister!"

"I protect and care for humans! That is my job. If I must end you to do my job then I will!"

The laugh may have sounded like Tino's voice, but it had no melody or charm to it, only malice.

"You claim to have strength enough both to hold half the threads of existence and put an end to me? Very well, I shall allow you the chance to prove this assertion. Fight me, Sister!"

Lightning diffused through the air like blood through a river as the sky went pitch dark and the earth began to be break apart like rotting scrap wood. Captain Arthur was scared past the point of screaming as the energy rift between the two elementals grew greater and greater. The strain on the fibers of reality was so great that the pirate could feel himself and the world around him start to disintegrate.

_Holy scones! This really is the end, not just of me, but of everything everywhere. Alfred! Freddie, oh how I loved you-_

That was when the sky cleared and a giant man came sailing through the heavens while strumming a banjo and singing a highly unusual country western song.

_"Well life in Ancient Rome was kinda laid back_

_Though people went sorta crazy whenever we'd attack_

_Probably because I'd take their women and roll around in the sack_

_Dear Lord I miss Ancient Rome!"_

Captain Arthur blinked and turned his head to the side. "I can't determine whether or not this is weirder than that man being replaced by a busty indigenous woman."

_"Was a simple kind of life, ate, drank, battled and made love._

_Then barbarians came and invaded from above,_

_Now I got angel wings like a pretty white dove-_

_But I'll always be Ancient Rome!_

_Well I have a grandson, and his art is real pretty._

_Though he gets beat up a lot, it's kind of a pity._

_At least he has a cute smile and a tiny kitty!_

_He's almost good as Ancient Rome!"_

As randomly and abruptly as he'd appeared, the anthropomorphic representation of the Roman Empire floated away into nothingness, leaving Captain Arthur sitting alone on top of his ruined vessel. No sheriff, no green-eyed demon, and no voluptuous Native American woman. The sky was clear and the world was silent.

"I swear I'll never drink again," Captain Arthur promised himself as he stood up on shaky legs "Bloody Embargo Act that was weird. Though I suppose as one who sails around in a land ship I kind of deserved that. Freddie!"

Captain Arthur beamed as he pulled the oil painting out of the wreckage unharmed. "As long as I have you I suppose everything is alright! Shall we try tea time again, Love?"

Oil painting: …

**Still**** know what I'm doing! **

**Despite indications that would suggest otherwise… **

**Appreciate the patience and support. Love all around!**

**(P.S. The song was written with the tune of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" by John Denver in mind, just in case anybody was curious.)**


	29. Sheriff's Orders

There was no question that Tino's love for Berwald made it harder for the evil spirit to wrestle control away from his host. However, once the evil spirit did gain control, that same feeling of love could be manipulated and used to torture Tino in order to keep the young man from offering further resistance.

The wooden planks on the floor became stained dark maroon with the sheriff's blood as a horrified Tino collapsed beside Berwald's bullet-filled corpse.

"Berwald, no. I...I'm sorry. I couldn't save ya, I was too weak!" Tino sobbed as he threw his arms around the mangled remains of his lover's lifeless body. "I couldn't stop them, I couldn't stop them from killing ya!"

_Heh heh_, the demon chuckled. _Not bad, could be better though. Let's make Tino directly responsible._

Tino blinked as he found himself sitting cross-legged on the bed inside Berwald's home. Then he looked down and screamed when he saw the sheriff's dislocated neck strung across his lap. Berwald had died with his eyes open, his expression still revealing neither joy nor pain.

"AIHHHHHH!" Tino seized Berwald by the shoulders and tried to shake him awake. The sheriff's head flopped over to the side, tongue falling out of his mouth and blood starting to drip from his nostrils. Tino screamed again and dropped the sheriff's corpse, yanking a blanket over the sight as tears and phlegm ran down his face.

"Papa! Papa, why are you screaming? Papa-AIHH! Papa, what have you done to Father?!"

The evil spirit was in stitches as he watched the horror fill Tino's heart. The only downside of running Tino through that particular nightmare was that it made Tino, and by extension the demon, feel extremely nauseated. Throwing up would've been particularly embarrassing for the evil spirit at this point, seeing as he was currently having a smack-talk exchange with his sister. So the demon decided to run a different scenario.

_Let's have your precious sheriff torture you_, the evil spirit snickered as it fed Tino another nightmare. _We'll see how you feel about __that__._

Tino opened his eyes to total darkness. The feel of the chilly air on his bare skin made him shiver, and the cold, metal shackles on his wrists and ankles felt like solid ice pressed against his body.

"Ya failed t' repay yer debt," called a familiar, deep voice behind him "So yer m' prisoner now." Tino gasped as large, warm hand slid slowly down his spine "And yer never gettin' away from m'."

"R-really?" Tino stammered as the sheriff wrapped his massive, muscular arms around the smaller man's abdomen and closed the space between their bodies.

"Yah," the sheriff confirmed as he leaned forward and whispered into Tino's ear "Yer mine forever."

"Oh yah! This is wonderful! God bless the American justice system, this punishment is awesome. Hee hee hee!"

_What? No! No...okay, that was my fault. That was on me, __clearly__ the __wrong__ approach,_ the demon conceded. _Definitely __not__ the right scenario to bring up if I'm trying to bring Tino inner turmoil._

"Tee hee hee!" Tino giggled as the sheriff's strong fingers kneaded the soft skin on his thighs. "Oh yah, oh that's good. Bring down the full force of the law on me Berwald!"

_Ending that scenario __now__!_

"Eh? Hey, where'd the sheriff go?" He glanced around the empty void. Somewhere outside there was the sound of John Denver music playing, and Tino was quite confused as to what was going on.

_Wait, am I under demon control again? Oh darn a barn! That's so mean and cruel and messed up! Stupid demon, just wait 'til I-..._

"Nh, glad t' see ya finally stopped strugglin'..."

_Oh good we're back to this business!_ Tino beamed as he felt the sheriff's arms materialize around him. Only this time the world around him was not chilly and dark. Instead it was bright, hot and kind of dry and dusty.

_Ah, well, if ya must know I found the other venue more sensual, but whatever makes Berwald happy is fine by me!_

Meanwhile, Berwald (real Berwald, the not dream-generated one) was also a bit disoriented. He did not remember how he was able to get from being tied up to the foremast to free and on top of the cliff next to Tino.

The sheriff decided that he'd probably been hit on the head by a rock while he was scaling the cliff. This explanation made a lot more sense than the story his memory was telling him, which involved his mother and some singing man floating across the sky.

In any case Berwald had more immediate concerns once he'd found himself on top of the cliff. Tino's eyes had been glowing bright green and black, feathery wings had sprouted from his back. Plus he'd been threatening to harvest the sheriff's soul.

_Hm, that's not normal._ Berwald had observed before tackling his deputy and trying to pin him to the ground while the demon used Tino's fingers to claw at Berwald's face. Eventually the struggling stopped, and the wings on Tino's back dissolved into the air. The sheriff sighed with relief as he sat back up on his knees and lifted the smaller man into his arms.

"T-tino?" Berwald coughed as he tried to clear the sand from his throat "Can ya hear m'? Do ya know who I am?"

Tino turned towards him and blinked, the green light fading as he did.

"Berwald…" the young man whispered as the alien glow left his eyes completely.

A wave of relief swept over the sheriff as his arms relaxed and he started to gently brush the sand off of Tino's face. "Yer back."

"Is everything well with the mission and stuff?"

"Yah."

"We caught Captain Arthur?"

"Nh, not yet."

"Uh oh. Did I mess up, Sheriff?"

Berwald shook his head "Nothin' is messed up."

"But, I didn't-"

"Yer safe 'nd Peter is safe. That's what matters most t' m'."

"I…but-…Ya aren't mad that I couldn't do what ya told me to?"

"Nh," Berwald clutched Tino all the tighter "Stay with m' Tino. That's all I want. Stay with m', 'nd I promise I won't let the evil spirit take ya away."

Tino turned pink as the sheriff's fingers softly smoothed his windswept hair. He found himself leaning into Berwald's touch, and a short while later he was resting his head on the sheriff's chest, struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Yes Sir," Tino murmured before drifting off to sleep in the safety of the sheriff's arms.


End file.
